Ultimate Dilemma Resolved

Once again, let's revisit my ultimate dilemma (please refer to the original entry at the beginning of my blog titled, "Ultimate Dilemma"). First, when I mentioned I just couldn't be a lesbian (and not exactly attracted to men either), then I'd have to practice celibacy and be alone/single for the rest of my life. That is one error here (remember celibacy just means "abstaining from sex" either for a short period of time or forever). So leading a life of celibacy is one thing, and being alone/single for the rest of your life is another thing. Yes, if people want they can:

Be celibate AND also happen to be single (not sexually active and also has nobody special in his/her life) Picture an old lonely lady with many cats in her apartment. Or picture me!!! Just kidding. I don't (and never) plan to be like this. Unfortunately, I'm in this stage for now.

Be celibate and NOT single (not sexually active, but the person has a committed partnership with someone/significant other) Picture Xena & Gabrielle in later seasons, Idgie & Ruth, Timon & Pumbaa, Bates & Katherine Coman; etc.

Be single and NOT celibate (person is sexually active without commitments) Picture friends with benefits, casual sex, prostitutes & men who have one night-stands.

Be NOT single and NOT celibate (sexually active and in a committed relationship as well) Picture couples, boyfriends/girlfriends & husbands/wives.

Now, I realize I can be celibate and still have a significant other in my life. Who says celibacy = alone/single? Actually, our cultural beliefs and notions imposed that on us. And it doesn't have to be that way.

Secondly, when I mentioned that I can be affectionate and desire to be nonsexually intimate with another woman (i.e. hug, touch, kiss, cuddle, hold hands), but associated that with lesbianism; that was another error here. Yes, while lesbians do this too, so what? Straight people do this also. Yes, I failed to realize that the term, "Romantic Friendship" includes almost all aspects of a modern heterosexual romantic relationship too. What's more, these kind of romantic activities are not reserved exclusively for sexual relationships (straight or gay). So, the "unwritten rule" that a person cannot have deep nonsexual intimacy with a nonsexual life partner is merely a cultural belief/notion that society imposed on us. And it doesn't have to be that way. And I explained this in great detail throughout my blog.

Yet, the most important thing I failed to realize was that people’s interpretation of physical contact became extraordinarily ‘privatized and sexualized,’ so that all types of touching, kissing, and holding were seen as sexual foreplay rather than accepted as ordinary means of communication that carried different meanings in different contexts (i.e. it can be done the motherly way, the friendly way, the greeting-each-other way, the comforting-each-other way, the celebrating-each-other way, the brotherly way, the romantic friendship way, and in the lovers' way which is sexual/erotic).

That's what cemented it for me. I finally realized how stupid I was. I failed to notice that WE ALL (spanning across sexual/affectional orientations of every kind) engage in touching, kissing, cuddling, holding and hugging to varying degrees. Let me ask you this... Why do you really think there are cuddle parties in certain places? (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cuddle_party). Yes, I failed to see that physical embracing is one of the most important ways that humans bond, learn to trust, one of the ways fears are allayed and hope is created; therefore it is a natural human desire to touch, enjoy body contact, to embrace and be embraced.

So this means I can be physically/emotionally affectionate with another woman (in the romantic friendship way). All the touching, kissing, words of endearment, whispering sweet nothings in her ear, cuddling, soul-gazing, hugging and holding (even if it's prolonged) can be done in a non-erotic way; it doesn't have to be seen as "foreplay". Instead, it should be seen as a nonsexual activity that can be enjoyed IN AND OF ITSELF! Who says it has to lead to anything else? It doesn't. Our cultural beliefs and notions imposed that on us (i.e. brainwashing people to believe if you get that intimate, it must therefore turn into a sexual encounter). And it doesn't have to be that way.

Finally, my ultimate dilemma is resolved. I've won The Battlefield of My Mind. The 12yr Rift-Saga of my life is over. It has finally ended. In a sense, my ID (which says, "oh go ahead and be lesbian; doesn't matter if it's a bit weird/wrong at least it is better than no relationship at all") and Ego (which says deep down "you shouldn't adopt lesbianism; even if that means you'll be alone for the rest of your life") are 100% reconciled in The Bitter Suite of My Soul. Now my conscience is at peace. Why? Because my ID & Ego have flushed out from the land of Illusia, and found themseleves sitting on a beautiful beach during sunset.

They were completely shocked. ID, Ego & Superego didn't know where they were located. But, I (the Ultimate-ego) approached them. All three hugged each other tightly. I told them not to be afraid. They stood up, and I explained everything to them. Suddenly, Ego burst out and cried, cried and cried. He was just so grateful not having to keep his son, ID, at bay any longer. Ego was also happy because

For the firt time ever (in Because I don't need to lead the heterosexual lifestyle, neither adopt the homosexual lifestyle NOR be alone for the rest of my life. I found "a whole new door". The funny thing is that I've been focusing too much on the other two doors labeled "straight & lesbian" that I didn't realize a "third door" has been opened. Yes, I've came such a long way. For instance, I went from thinking holding another woman's hand means you're a lesbian (rolls eyes) to knowing that not only I can be "emotionally drawn" to another woman, but also "fall in love" with her and even "marry" her, live together and raise kids. It’s actually possible to do alllll that without being "lesbian!"