The Romantic Friendship Reader

"I love you, man": Overt expression of affection in male-male interaction. By Mark T. Morman, Kory Floyd

The sharing of affection has long been recognized as a fundamental human need. Schutz (1958, 1966) was one of the first theorists to recognize the legitimacy of affection needs within interpersonal relationships. According to Schutz, affection is inherent to relational situations involving love, emotional closeness, personal confidences, and intimacy. Following suit, Rotter, Chance, and Phares (1972) classified affection as one of six fundamental human needs. Similarly, Frank (1973) and Koch (1959) both emphasized the significance of affection within therapeutic interventions, while Bowlby (1953) and Harlow (1974) commented on the key role affection plays in developmental psychological processes.

Despite its importance, affectionate communication invites numerous risks, including the risk that the intended meaning behind affectionate expressions will be misinterpreted. Such risks may be magnified in the male-male relationship, where overt expressions of affection may be all but prohibited by normative expectancies. Of course, this was not always the case. In 19th century America, young men developed romantic friendships with each other that today would be mistaken for homosexual relationships. They wrote love letters to each other, slept in the same bed, held each other physically, and confided intimately in each other. Moreover, all these emotionally-charged romantic friendships were widely and universally accepted by both men and women (Rotundo, 1993). As he describes them, young men in the 1800s bared their dreams, desires, insecurities and day-to-day dilemmas to one another; just exactly like the best of girlfriends did in the distant past.

Unfortunately, in contemporary times, however, culturally ingrained aspects of the male gender role may inhibit men from expressing affection to each other even when they truly feel it (Floyd, 1997b). Rabinowitz (1991) doc. This is why I recommend reading this rare/elusive book titled, “The Romantic Friendship Reader: Love Stories Between Men In Victoria America.” It is currently out of print, and no longer produced by the manufacturer. So, your best bet is buying this book on Amazon.com (from various potential sellers) as I did.

In fact, I suspect many men today are ready to explore the possibilities that lie beyond the gay-straight division and rigid (as well as ridiculous) gender rules when it comes to same-sex affectionate expressions. In fact, I believe men are ready to discover once again (something long-forgotten in our modern society) a unique Friendship that rises above the two extremes; something unlike no other… that certainly goes beyond words, categories and labels. And I believe the best place to start is reading about these wonderful love stories between men in Victorian America!