A Xena Searching For Her Gabrielle

I've thought long and hard about everything lately. In fact, whenever I attend to witness straight marriages (of relatives and friends I know) or see gay/lesbian weddings on television, I can truly see how elusive my dreams and desires are. I finally realized that I have a very "untraditional" vision when it comes to romance, commitment, intimacy and love (i.e. Boston marriage & romantic friendship). However, these concepts have been around since the birth of our species, and probably is as old as time!

I began to see that Disney classic fairytales (i.e. Snow White, The Little Mermaid, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty; etc) and the American Dream of having a husband, 2.5 kids and a white picket fence, while very popular desires, is not what I want deep down. Yes, although in a sense I'm “straight", that way of life (which is the norm) just isn't for me. It simply doesn't "fit" somehow. Don't get me wrong. I think the American Dream is really beautiful and sweet, but I have my own unique version of the Classic Fairytale. It is finding my soulmate, entering into a special & sacred Friendship Commitment Ceremony, and settling down into a Boston marriage that includes a passionate romantic friendship with my ladylove. No boyfriends or husbands in the picture, because she is "the one." In other words, my deepest and innermost desire is to spend the rest of my life with my Friend (yes, note the capital "F") with a true love that is strong, exclusive and steadfast, us growing old together, having 2.5 cats, and a blue picket fence with swirls of lavender; living happily realistically ever after. Yes, I'll always be a "Xena" searching for my "Gabrielle", and never give up hope that one day I will find her...



Then I realized something else. I'm now speaking directly to my future ladylove: If I do find you somewhere down the road, there may be a few bumps on our way back home. Why? Because society may not see our special bond in the same way as we do or even accept it. But, it doesn't matter because I love you, and together we will stand up for our beliefs and spread the truth. In fact, I want to give you a short poem (that I wrote) about some difficulties we my face:

"In the vast expanse of the universe,
I contemplate my existence and how I fit
Into a world where human touch has been corrupted.
If I gently take your hand in mine, fingers intertwined
Will they see two Friends who love and cherish each other?
Or will they see only physical contact,
And assume we are lovers?
When I tenderly kiss your cheek or lips,
Am I violating a law of God demeaned by social values,
Or am I simply expressing heartfelt affection?
I question the values set down by a society,
Where all touch has been deemed sexual.
How can I express my love for you,
When we cannot touch without disdainful looks?
You are my Friend and my soulmate,
My only desire is to express my love
Without fear of condemnation
In a world where love is misunderstood."

I recently bought a ring (Irish Friendship Love Claddagh Ring in Sterling Silver, #2601 found on Amazon.com). It reminds me of my favorite phrase, "Friendship is the happiest and most fully human of all loves; the crown of life and the school of virtue." I wear it on my finger all the time, and I have another one, just for you. It has two hands (representing human) holding a heart (that represents love) with a crown on top of it (which represents the crown of life). The ring is a symbol of love, loyalty, and Friendship. The hands are there for Friendship, the heart is there for love. For loyalty throughout the year, the crown is raised above. When it is worn on the right hand, with crown and heart facing out, the ring tells that the wearer's heart has yet to be won. While in a relationship it is worn with heart and crown facing inwards.



So when we do meet, become acquaintances, then friends, best friends, romantic friends and finally soulmates, I will kneel down and propose to you. If you say yes, I will say the exact words that comes with this special ring: "WITH THESE HANDS I GIVE YOU MY HEART AND I CROWN IT WITH MY LOVE." After that, I will turn my ring inwards, signifying that my heart has been won. It will definitely be the most memorable (and very unique) moment in our entire lives! I also bought a card at a store and saved it just for you:



To My Soulmate,

"I am so glad that you are part of my life. It is a privilege ~~ to know you, to share myself with you, and to walk together on the paths that take us in so many beautiful directions... I had heard of "soulmates" before, but I never knew such a person could exist ~~ until I met you... Somehow, out of all the twists and turns our lives could have taken, and out of all the chances we might have missed, it almost seems like we were given a meant-to-be moment ~~ to meet, to get to know one another, and to set the stage for a special togetherness... When I am with you, I know that I am in the presence of someone who makes my life more complete than I ever dreamed it could be. I turn to you for trust, and you give it openly. I look to you for inspiration, for answers, and for encouragement, and ~~ not only do you never let me down ~~ you lift my spirits up and take my thoughts to places where my troubles seem so much farther away and my joys feel like they're going to stay in my life forever... I hope you'll stay forever, too. I feel like you are my soulmate. And I want you to know that my world is reassured by you, my tomorrow's need to have you near, so many of my smiles depend on you, and my heart is so thankful that you are here..."

Love Always,
Lillian Marie The Bostonian Lady