You can view the rest of them in this breathtaking virtual animated album book I created below: http://romanticfriendship-bostonmarriage.blogspot.com/
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Dawn Of A New Era II
Notice these very intimate (and modern) photos of women are all about deep, profound, touching and romanticized Friendships in the absence of sex, lust & erotica. Unbeknownst to the photographers and the ones posing for it (who thought they were taking lesbian images) were in reality, actually shooting Romantic Friendship/Boston marriage pictures. Here are a few of my favorites:
You can view the rest of them in this breathtaking virtual animated album book I created below: http://romanticfriendship-bostonmarriage.blogspot.com/
You can view the rest of them in this breathtaking virtual animated album book I created below: http://romanticfriendship-bostonmarriage.blogspot.com/
Dawn Of A New Era I
Notice these very intimate (and modern) photos of men are all about deep, profound, touching and romanticized Friendships in the absence of sex, lust & erotica. Unbeknownst to the photographers and the ones posing for it (who thought they were taking gay images) were in reality, actually shooting Romantic Friendship/Boston marriage pictures. Here are a few of my favorites:
You can view the rest of them in this breathtaking virtual animated album book I created below: http://romanticfriendship-bostonmarriage.blogspot.com/
You can view the rest of them in this breathtaking virtual animated album book I created below: http://romanticfriendship-bostonmarriage.blogspot.com/
Sudden Inspiration
After finishing my whole journal/blog (whew, it is such a wonderful masterpiece!), a sudden inspiration came to me. I might decide to write a short collection of romantic friendship & Boston marriage stories. Who knows? I could be the next Louisa May Alcott or even better; the very next Katherine Fugate (chuckles). I honestly don't think I would ever become a professional writer, motivational speaker or start some kind of radical movement in real-life. But, if I do, then it would certainly be the dawn of a (new?) era when it comes to deep intimate (and profound) romantic friendship love stories!
A Hundred Years From Now...
Dear Lillian Marie,
“I read so many blogs, I read so much, and then when I need something to fill a void in my life, or a disappointing event, I read yours. I re-read. I go back and dissect the letters that form the words that form the sentences and the paragraphs. When I read your writing, I smile, I laugh, and when alone, I have cried at some of the feelings you have openly expressed in your blog. You have so profoundly affected me. I've shared with you what your writing has done for my soul. I have no idea who you are. I have only been able to piece together a quilt of something that resembles a very true, loyal, loving human being. Accolades my dear, you are so blessed."
Warm Regards,
Sue
So I can proudly say that--
A HUNDRED YEARS FROM NOW...
It won't matter
What kind of car I drove
What kind of house I lived in
How much money I had in the bank
Nor what my clothes looked like
BUT
The world may be a little better
Because, I made a special and unique difference
In the life of a human being
Memorable Blog Quotes
While our sex lives have ballooned in the last hundred years, our friendships have grown stunted. ("So Are You Two Together?" June-July 2001 Article)
Ninny Threadgoode: "I found out what the secret to life is: friends. Best friends." (Fried Green Tomatoes)
In ancient times Friendship was seen as the "happiest and most fully human of all loves; the crown of life and the school of virtue." (Friendship Commitment Ceremony)
Did you know that the *dictionary definition* of Friendship in 1755 was “the highest form of intimacy”? (Friendship Commitment Ceremony)
Why does Yahoo list nearly one hundred sites on gay history but no sites on the history of friendship? (The Eternal Debate/Article 3)
No, it's not that kind of 'girl-on-girl action'. A girl crush is where you meet a woman whose sense of style or brilliant achievements or personal charisma makes you adore and worship her. (Anatomy Of A Girl Crush)
Orientations are not just limited to the "sexual" category. (Revelations II: Paradigm Shift)
Some people are married to "Jesus" (nuns and priests), some are married to their "spouses" (husbands/wives), some are married to their "jobs" (workaholics), but very few are married (or willing to marry) their "Friend." (Friendship Commitment Ceremony)
It's the what-ifs that drive many women away from closeness with each other. ("So Are You Two Together?" June-July 2001 Article)
One married woman, called Lisa, says: "If I knew I could trust a friendship with a woman — that there was a way of making a friendship into a bona fide, future-oriented relationship — I would rather have that than be married." ("So Are You Two Together?" June-July 2001 Article)
Prosecutor Percy: Why did you go with Idgie Threadgoode?
Judge: Answer the question Mrs. Bennett.
Ruth: Because she... she's the best Friend I ever had, and I love her.
(Fried Green Tomatoes)
Written by 27-year-old Zoe Zolbrod, it celebrated the passion that flashes up between women, even when they are both straight: ... "and in knowing them I would feel a rush of power and possibility, of total self, that seemed much more real to me than heterolove," Zolbrod wrote. When she met her friend V, "it was like finding the person you think you'll marry." The two moved in together. They took care of each other, became family, called each other "my love" and "my roommate" interchangeably. ("So Are You Two Together?" June-July 2001 Article)
The expectation that all “serious love relationships” should be sexual is a patriarchal notion. (Boston Marriage Definition website)
...And I understand now how precious and rare it is to feel that close to someone who isn’t also a sexual partner. (Dr.Dennison, creator of "Smart At Love" website)
...Yet in fact the passage is evidence of a belief that was once widely held in English-speaking countries but has now been largely forgotten: that romantic love need not be accompanied by erotic love. (The Eternal Debate/Article 3)
Women have been connecting in passionate friendships since the birth of our species. (Xena & Gabrielle: A Classic Revisitation Of The Romantic Friendship)
Perfectly respectable Victorian women wrote to each other in terms such as these: ‘I hope for you so much, and feel so eager for you… that the expectation once more to see your face again, makes me feel hot and feverish.’ They recorded the ‘furnace blast’ of their ‘passionate attachments’ to each other... In the nineteenth century, these sentiments were so respectable that surviving relatives often published them in elegies.... (Romantic Friendship from Wikipedia)
Bates referred to Coman as her "Joy of Life" and wrote many poems about their love. Only a few years before her death, she wrote to a friend, "So much of me died with Katharine Coman that I'm sometimes not quite sure whether I'm alive or not." (Prominent Women in Boston Marriages)
Idgie Threadgoode: "They may put "Miss" on my tombstone but as far as I am concerned I haven't missed a thing." (Fried Green Tomatoes)
In the ideal Victorian romantic friendship, although two friends could kiss, fondle each other, and hold one another all night long in sleep, there was no sex. (Xena & Gabrielle: A Classic Revisitation Of The Romantic Friendship)
These "romantic friendships" were not only common, but were considered quite normal, even "sweet", and in some instances, uplifting. (Xena & Gabrielle: A Classic Revisitation Of The Romantic Friendship)
This kind of unique relationship is my highest truth, my highest hope, my grandest dream, and my grandest vision. (A New Hope)
Women are 'brainwashed' to prefer men, to compete with other women for male recognition and love, to think of women as 'second best.' (The Psychology With Which Women Regard Other Women)
'Lesbianism' is merely a symbol of a wider taboo on female loyalty and allegiances of all kinds. (The Psychology With Which Women Regard Other Women)
Romantic friendship is renamed gay love or lesbianism because our modern notions of friendship do not allow for the possibility of friends embracing romantic activities. (The Eternal Debate/Article 3)
We have ceased to believe that it is possible for a man to deeply love another man, unless that love is sexually based. (The Eternal Debate/Article 3)
The price paid for the fear of men’s intimacy is high –– for all males, not just those who yearn for each other sexually. (Picturing Men)
"Why do adolescent boys often leave empty seats between each other when they go to the movies?" (Empty Seats)
There was a time in America when two men pictured with their arms wrapped around each other, or perhaps holding hands, weren't necessarily seen as sexually involved—a time when such gestures could be seen simply as those of intimate friendship rather than homoeroticism. (Picturing Men)
Though I'm proud to call you "Chocolate Bear," the crowd will always talk and stare. (Guy Love)
Examples of pre-modern standards of physical contact in the Gospels include John 13:23: "One of his disciples, whom Jesus loved, was lying close to the breast of Jesus." (Biblical Examples)
“Now it came about when [David] had finished speaking to Saul, that the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as himself.” Then they kissed each other and wept together. (Biblical Examples)
People’s interpretation of physical contact became extraordinarily ‘privatized and sexualized,’ so that all types of touching, kissing, and holding were seen as sexual foreplay rather than accepted as ordinary means of communication that carried different meanings in different contexts... (Romantic Friendship from Wikipedia)
I have a dream that perhaps homosexuality will be a thing of the past, and that we all should adopt the prim, proper attitudes of the Victorian Era once again (and bring it back 21st century-style)!!!
(I Have A Dream)
After reading my own journal/blog from beginning to end, I found myself staring at the computer screen for a very long time, became emotional, speechless and finally, tears spilled down my cheeks. That is because I slowly came to the realization this “love” goes beyond words; goes beyond categories and labels, and goes beyond what any piece of paper can declare. Yes, the "love" I'm talking about really has no name... (Blog Author)
Ninny Threadgoode: "I found out what the secret to life is: friends. Best friends." (Fried Green Tomatoes)
In ancient times Friendship was seen as the "happiest and most fully human of all loves; the crown of life and the school of virtue." (Friendship Commitment Ceremony)
Did you know that the *dictionary definition* of Friendship in 1755 was “the highest form of intimacy”? (Friendship Commitment Ceremony)
Why does Yahoo list nearly one hundred sites on gay history but no sites on the history of friendship? (The Eternal Debate/Article 3)
No, it's not that kind of 'girl-on-girl action'. A girl crush is where you meet a woman whose sense of style or brilliant achievements or personal charisma makes you adore and worship her. (Anatomy Of A Girl Crush)
Orientations are not just limited to the "sexual" category. (Revelations II: Paradigm Shift)
Some people are married to "Jesus" (nuns and priests), some are married to their "spouses" (husbands/wives), some are married to their "jobs" (workaholics), but very few are married (or willing to marry) their "Friend." (Friendship Commitment Ceremony)
It's the what-ifs that drive many women away from closeness with each other. ("So Are You Two Together?" June-July 2001 Article)
One married woman, called Lisa, says: "If I knew I could trust a friendship with a woman — that there was a way of making a friendship into a bona fide, future-oriented relationship — I would rather have that than be married." ("So Are You Two Together?" June-July 2001 Article)
Prosecutor Percy: Why did you go with Idgie Threadgoode?
Judge: Answer the question Mrs. Bennett.
Ruth: Because she... she's the best Friend I ever had, and I love her.
(Fried Green Tomatoes)
Written by 27-year-old Zoe Zolbrod, it celebrated the passion that flashes up between women, even when they are both straight: ... "and in knowing them I would feel a rush of power and possibility, of total self, that seemed much more real to me than heterolove," Zolbrod wrote. When she met her friend V, "it was like finding the person you think you'll marry." The two moved in together. They took care of each other, became family, called each other "my love" and "my roommate" interchangeably. ("So Are You Two Together?" June-July 2001 Article)
The expectation that all “serious love relationships” should be sexual is a patriarchal notion. (Boston Marriage Definition website)
...And I understand now how precious and rare it is to feel that close to someone who isn’t also a sexual partner. (Dr.Dennison, creator of "Smart At Love" website)
...Yet in fact the passage is evidence of a belief that was once widely held in English-speaking countries but has now been largely forgotten: that romantic love need not be accompanied by erotic love. (The Eternal Debate/Article 3)
Women have been connecting in passionate friendships since the birth of our species. (Xena & Gabrielle: A Classic Revisitation Of The Romantic Friendship)
Perfectly respectable Victorian women wrote to each other in terms such as these: ‘I hope for you so much, and feel so eager for you… that the expectation once more to see your face again, makes me feel hot and feverish.’ They recorded the ‘furnace blast’ of their ‘passionate attachments’ to each other... In the nineteenth century, these sentiments were so respectable that surviving relatives often published them in elegies.... (Romantic Friendship from Wikipedia)
Bates referred to Coman as her "Joy of Life" and wrote many poems about their love. Only a few years before her death, she wrote to a friend, "So much of me died with Katharine Coman that I'm sometimes not quite sure whether I'm alive or not." (Prominent Women in Boston Marriages)
Idgie Threadgoode: "They may put "Miss" on my tombstone but as far as I am concerned I haven't missed a thing." (Fried Green Tomatoes)
In the ideal Victorian romantic friendship, although two friends could kiss, fondle each other, and hold one another all night long in sleep, there was no sex. (Xena & Gabrielle: A Classic Revisitation Of The Romantic Friendship)
These "romantic friendships" were not only common, but were considered quite normal, even "sweet", and in some instances, uplifting. (Xena & Gabrielle: A Classic Revisitation Of The Romantic Friendship)
This kind of unique relationship is my highest truth, my highest hope, my grandest dream, and my grandest vision. (A New Hope)
Women are 'brainwashed' to prefer men, to compete with other women for male recognition and love, to think of women as 'second best.' (The Psychology With Which Women Regard Other Women)
'Lesbianism' is merely a symbol of a wider taboo on female loyalty and allegiances of all kinds. (The Psychology With Which Women Regard Other Women)
Romantic friendship is renamed gay love or lesbianism because our modern notions of friendship do not allow for the possibility of friends embracing romantic activities. (The Eternal Debate/Article 3)
We have ceased to believe that it is possible for a man to deeply love another man, unless that love is sexually based. (The Eternal Debate/Article 3)
The price paid for the fear of men’s intimacy is high –– for all males, not just those who yearn for each other sexually. (Picturing Men)
"Why do adolescent boys often leave empty seats between each other when they go to the movies?" (Empty Seats)
There was a time in America when two men pictured with their arms wrapped around each other, or perhaps holding hands, weren't necessarily seen as sexually involved—a time when such gestures could be seen simply as those of intimate friendship rather than homoeroticism. (Picturing Men)
Though I'm proud to call you "Chocolate Bear," the crowd will always talk and stare. (Guy Love)
Examples of pre-modern standards of physical contact in the Gospels include John 13:23: "One of his disciples, whom Jesus loved, was lying close to the breast of Jesus." (Biblical Examples)
“Now it came about when [David] had finished speaking to Saul, that the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as himself.” Then they kissed each other and wept together. (Biblical Examples)
People’s interpretation of physical contact became extraordinarily ‘privatized and sexualized,’ so that all types of touching, kissing, and holding were seen as sexual foreplay rather than accepted as ordinary means of communication that carried different meanings in different contexts... (Romantic Friendship from Wikipedia)
I have a dream that perhaps homosexuality will be a thing of the past, and that we all should adopt the prim, proper attitudes of the Victorian Era once again (and bring it back 21st century-style)!!!
(I Have A Dream)
After reading my own journal/blog from beginning to end, I found myself staring at the computer screen for a very long time, became emotional, speechless and finally, tears spilled down my cheeks. That is because I slowly came to the realization this “love” goes beyond words; goes beyond categories and labels, and goes beyond what any piece of paper can declare. Yes, the "love" I'm talking about really has no name... (Blog Author)
Romantic Friendship Quotes
According to many school of thoughts located in several corners of the world, Romantic Friendship is by far the best form of Friendship that can ever exist between two individuals, either of the same or different sex. -- Blog Author
A Friend hears the song in my heart and sings it back to me when my memory fails. -- Unknown
"Ah, how I love you beyond belief, it paralyzes me. It makes me heavy with emotion.... I tremble at the thought of you. All my whole being leans out to you.... I dare not think of your arms." -- Rose Elizabeth Cleveland to her Friend Evangeline Simpson Whipple, (1890)
"Want to really look at yourself? The best mirror is an old Friend." -- George Herbert
A simple friend hears you. A good friend pays attention to you. A best friend gives you that special look. But, a Friend is the one who soul gazes into your eyes. -- Blog Author
"A Friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of nature." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Simple friends casually chat together. Good friends have real genuine conversations. Best friends talk about anything under the sun. But, it is Friends who discuss the most sensitive stuff, talk about the most private matters, ask the most intimate questions, say the most risky things, ponder on the most uncomfortable subjects, and delve deep into each others' weird inner worlds that nobody else knows about. -- Blog Author
I've learned that you can love a Friend with as much intensity as a lover; even surpassing it. -- Blog Author
"One loyal Friend is worth ten thousand relatives." -- Euripides (408 B.C.)
"Who finds a good Friend, finds a treasure." -- Jewish Saying
A true loving Friend promises you, “I will never be the iceberg to your Titanic.” -- Chloe Sullivan to Clark Kent
True Friendship is for all eternity. -- Blog Author
A simple friend mentions nice things about you. A good friend recalls you with fondness. A best friend has a scrapbook of you. But, a Friend says you are the eternal sunshine of her spotless soul. -- Blog Author
A Friend gives you an affectionate kiss for no apparent reason at all. -- Blog Author
A Friend can tell you things you don't want to tell yourself. -- Frances Ward Weller
Being deeply loved by your Friend gives you strength, while loving your Friend deeply gives you courage. -- Lao Tzu
A simple friend has never seen you cry. A good friend has seen a tear (or two) form at the corner of your eye. A best friend has shoulders soggy from your tears. But, a Friend has seen you go through an earth shattering emotional catharsis. -- Blog Author
"However rare true love may be, it is less so than true Friendship."
-- La Rochefoucauld (1665)
Miscellaneous Character: "Do you have a significant other?"
Fox Mulder: (thinking of his unique Friend Dana Scully) "Not in the widely accepted definition of that term." -- The X-Files
A single rose can be my garden... a single Friend, my world. -- Leo Buscaglia
A simple friend hates it when you call after she has gone to bed. A good friend asks you why you took so long to call. A best friend is happy to talk to you on the phone until 3am. But, a Friend insists that you come over instead, wants to know your deep troubles, and cuddle/sleep with you in her bed the whole night. -- Blog Author
Love is blind; Friendship just closes its eyes. -- Unknown
“Will you be my Friend of friends? Forever and ever?” -- The Bostonians (1984 DVD)
To lose a Friend is hardship, but to forget her is as if you died too. -- Blog Author
Your Friend will know you better in the first year you meet than your old friends will know you in a thousand years. -- Blog Author
A Friend is someone with whom you dare to be emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically naked with. -- Blog Author
"Stay" is a charming word in a Friend's vocabulary. -- Louisa May Alcott
“I shall love her all my life, shall be to her a faithful Friend. You call this folly; to me it is a hard duty, and the more I love her, the worthier of her will I endeavor to become by my own integrity of soul.” -- Louisa May Alcott
When you have a Friendship like that, it can feel so mystical... so otherworldly... -- Blog Author
What is a Friend? A soul dwelling in two bodies. -- Aristotle
A Friend knows your deepest & innermost desires. -- Blog Author
You like and care about your simple friends. You cherish your good friends. You love your best friends with all your heart. But, you love your Friend with every fiber of your being. -- Blog Author
"Every man passes his life in the search after Friendship." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
The only unsinkable ship is Friendship. -- Jeff Sczpanski
True Friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost. -- Charles Caleb Colton (1825)
The way I see it, saying romantic friendship is like 'a subcategory' to homosexuality or at least 'the stepchild' of lesbianism is the general equivalent of saying Belle's intense romantic love for the Beast is like 'a subcategory' to bestiality or at least 'the stepchild' of zoophilia erotica. Yes, it is that absurd. Because their love was truly a living force of its own; deserving a unique and special category all by itself. It is no wonder then, their passionate love was best described as a tale as old as time, a tune as old as song, a song as old as rhyme, and as certain as the sun rising in the east! -- Blog Author
Life without a Friend is like death without a witness. -- Spanish Proverb
"Friendship is Love without his wings!" -- Lord Byron (1806)
National Friendship Day is on the first Sunday in August. International Friendship Month is February. Old Friends, New Friends Week is the third week of May. I, myself, declare Romantic Friendship Day to be on November 19. -- Blog Author
St. Jonathan is the Patron Saint of Friendship. I, Lillian Marie, am the self-proclaimed Patron Saint of Romantic Friendship. -- Blog Author
A true Friend loves you, not for what you are, but for what she is when she’s with you. -- Roy Croft
You come to love not by finding the perfect Friend, but by seeing an imperfect Friend perfectly. -- Sam Keen
A Friend is the life of the soul. It is the harmony of the universe. -- William Ellery Channing
We call a person who has lost her mother, an orphan; and a widow a woman who has lost her husband. But, a woman who has known the immense unhappiness of losing a Friend, by what name do we call her? Here, every language is silent, and holds its peace in impotence. -- ALarson 1.25.02
A Friend hears the song in my heart and sings it back to me when my memory fails. -- Unknown
"Ah, how I love you beyond belief, it paralyzes me. It makes me heavy with emotion.... I tremble at the thought of you. All my whole being leans out to you.... I dare not think of your arms." -- Rose Elizabeth Cleveland to her Friend Evangeline Simpson Whipple, (1890)
"Want to really look at yourself? The best mirror is an old Friend." -- George Herbert
A simple friend hears you. A good friend pays attention to you. A best friend gives you that special look. But, a Friend is the one who soul gazes into your eyes. -- Blog Author
"A Friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of nature." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Simple friends casually chat together. Good friends have real genuine conversations. Best friends talk about anything under the sun. But, it is Friends who discuss the most sensitive stuff, talk about the most private matters, ask the most intimate questions, say the most risky things, ponder on the most uncomfortable subjects, and delve deep into each others' weird inner worlds that nobody else knows about. -- Blog Author
I've learned that you can love a Friend with as much intensity as a lover; even surpassing it. -- Blog Author
"One loyal Friend is worth ten thousand relatives." -- Euripides (408 B.C.)
"Who finds a good Friend, finds a treasure." -- Jewish Saying
A true loving Friend promises you, “I will never be the iceberg to your Titanic.” -- Chloe Sullivan to Clark Kent
True Friendship is for all eternity. -- Blog Author
A simple friend mentions nice things about you. A good friend recalls you with fondness. A best friend has a scrapbook of you. But, a Friend says you are the eternal sunshine of her spotless soul. -- Blog Author
A Friend gives you an affectionate kiss for no apparent reason at all. -- Blog Author
A Friend can tell you things you don't want to tell yourself. -- Frances Ward Weller
Being deeply loved by your Friend gives you strength, while loving your Friend deeply gives you courage. -- Lao Tzu
A simple friend has never seen you cry. A good friend has seen a tear (or two) form at the corner of your eye. A best friend has shoulders soggy from your tears. But, a Friend has seen you go through an earth shattering emotional catharsis. -- Blog Author
"However rare true love may be, it is less so than true Friendship."
-- La Rochefoucauld (1665)
Miscellaneous Character: "Do you have a significant other?"
Fox Mulder: (thinking of his unique Friend Dana Scully) "Not in the widely accepted definition of that term." -- The X-Files
A single rose can be my garden... a single Friend, my world. -- Leo Buscaglia
A simple friend hates it when you call after she has gone to bed. A good friend asks you why you took so long to call. A best friend is happy to talk to you on the phone until 3am. But, a Friend insists that you come over instead, wants to know your deep troubles, and cuddle/sleep with you in her bed the whole night. -- Blog Author
Love is blind; Friendship just closes its eyes. -- Unknown
“Will you be my Friend of friends? Forever and ever?” -- The Bostonians (1984 DVD)
To lose a Friend is hardship, but to forget her is as if you died too. -- Blog Author
Your Friend will know you better in the first year you meet than your old friends will know you in a thousand years. -- Blog Author
A Friend is someone with whom you dare to be emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically naked with. -- Blog Author
"Stay" is a charming word in a Friend's vocabulary. -- Louisa May Alcott
“I shall love her all my life, shall be to her a faithful Friend. You call this folly; to me it is a hard duty, and the more I love her, the worthier of her will I endeavor to become by my own integrity of soul.” -- Louisa May Alcott
When you have a Friendship like that, it can feel so mystical... so otherworldly... -- Blog Author
What is a Friend? A soul dwelling in two bodies. -- Aristotle
A Friend knows your deepest & innermost desires. -- Blog Author
You like and care about your simple friends. You cherish your good friends. You love your best friends with all your heart. But, you love your Friend with every fiber of your being. -- Blog Author
"Every man passes his life in the search after Friendship." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
The only unsinkable ship is Friendship. -- Jeff Sczpanski
True Friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost. -- Charles Caleb Colton (1825)
The way I see it, saying romantic friendship is like 'a subcategory' to homosexuality or at least 'the stepchild' of lesbianism is the general equivalent of saying Belle's intense romantic love for the Beast is like 'a subcategory' to bestiality or at least 'the stepchild' of zoophilia erotica. Yes, it is that absurd. Because their love was truly a living force of its own; deserving a unique and special category all by itself. It is no wonder then, their passionate love was best described as a tale as old as time, a tune as old as song, a song as old as rhyme, and as certain as the sun rising in the east! -- Blog Author
Life without a Friend is like death without a witness. -- Spanish Proverb
"Friendship is Love without his wings!" -- Lord Byron (1806)
National Friendship Day is on the first Sunday in August. International Friendship Month is February. Old Friends, New Friends Week is the third week of May. I, myself, declare Romantic Friendship Day to be on November 19. -- Blog Author
St. Jonathan is the Patron Saint of Friendship. I, Lillian Marie, am the self-proclaimed Patron Saint of Romantic Friendship. -- Blog Author
A true Friend loves you, not for what you are, but for what she is when she’s with you. -- Roy Croft
You come to love not by finding the perfect Friend, but by seeing an imperfect Friend perfectly. -- Sam Keen
A Friend is the life of the soul. It is the harmony of the universe. -- William Ellery Channing
We call a person who has lost her mother, an orphan; and a widow a woman who has lost her husband. But, a woman who has known the immense unhappiness of losing a Friend, by what name do we call her? Here, every language is silent, and holds its peace in impotence. -- ALarson 1.25.02
Comments/Feedbacks Page
WONDERFUL! Somebody who understands what I'm only just learning. My friend and I have felt confused and guilty, even though we know we're never going to go against our Christian principals. I have sooo many questions - just can't think of how to put it all into words. But, I looooove your whole journal! THANK YOU! ~~Samantha~~
Hi Lillian,
I found your blog about a year ago. I read most of it then. I just found it again today. Your format is nicer, but the blog still touches my soul the same. I like the pictures you have included. Makes me wish it was the norm. I wish I was as brave as you. Take care! ~~Jessica~~
Hi there. Nice blog! I like your journal; it's looking so cool according to blog theme. You have shared useful information. I'd like to join your website again and again. I want to say thanks to this blog owner. Keep up the good work! It really gives good details. Bharat also loves it. ~~Arya Samaj Mandir in Noida~~
[Response] You're very welcome indeed! In fact, why don't you become my 11th follower? Add yourself to my blogroll. Uh, er... Where exactly are you from?? My best guess: Its close to Delhi, the capital of India.
Greetings from Vicky & Rachel in Newfoundland,
I wouldn't quite say I stumbled upon your blog, as I was looking for this content specifically. However, I wasn't quite expecting to find something like this-- so personal. I'd like you to know that I, myself, have a romantic friend. I wasn't looking for her, as you are looking, but we happened by chance. So what you're looking for exists. It's very real. So genuine that it at times seems in fact surreal. :]
Ms. Lillian Marie, you have a very beautiful (quite rare) love that you're looking for, although not easy to maintain. I hope you find her.
[Response] Thank you so very much..... And yes, all this content is very, very personal. I hope I find her too..... **Smiles Softly**
Hello dear, I'm Sue from Nebraska; just a traditional heterosexual housewife with 2 kids. You are so incredibly talented, and when I can't find a new entry of yours, (and I check often, like if you were my friend next door), I feel a loss.....
[Response] I really liked the personal e-mail you wrote to me. It was the very best comment/feedback I ever got. In fact, you're located in an entry titled, "A Hundred Years From Now..." I hope you don't mind. FYI, yours was also the very first (the earliest) letter I ever got. I also appreciated our several subsequent e-mail correspondences. Trust me, your blog is NOT BORING at all! It is very nice. However; as you mentioning that I should get the whole thing 'officially' published, I'm very sorry. I just can't. My personal reasons for this are complex. You know, sometimes I wonder (even up to this day), if you are actually someone I personally know in real-life. But, I suppose I'll never know...
An insightful post. Will definitely help because I also host workshops in my local community [The Psychology With Which Women Regard Other Women]
Thanks,
Karim - Creating Power
September 22, 2009 5:39 AM
[Response] You're welcome. If you liked that particular entry, I strongly reconmmend you read also, "Proposing A Third Way Of Life."
It's sad that the world is so perverted, that this kind of affection is associated with sexuality. For years I thought I was a pervert for wanting to be this close to another girl, but now I think this is what God originally intended friendship to be like.
Written By Gabrielle
November 3, 2011 11:00 AM
[Response] Correction: I know this is what God originally intended Friendship to be like.
Capitalize it. Spread the Word!!!
What's your REAL name? Just who the heck are you?! (from an annoymous individual)
[Response] Well, let's just say my pen-name 'nearly resembles' my true name, LOL!
I found your blog when I was searching for something that I could relate to. When I was searching on the Internet, most of them turned out to be lesbian, and that's not what I'm looking for. I searched on Amazon.com for things and then it started to suggest gay and lesbian readings to me... I got a little offended that Amazon.com was judging me. :) Your blog really spoke to me because I really think I understand where you are coming from. ~~Danielle, a shy and easily embarrassed librarian from Colorado~~
[Response] Yes; I try my best to get my message across clearly. Still, there are some people (out there) who think I'm just crazy. Anyway, its good to know that you got the 'main idea' of my entire website.
Hi, I'm Martha. Interesting... This is the first I'd heard of that sort of ceremony. But my parents have no clue about me! I know my dad will not get it or accept it at all; I wouldn't ever have an official Friendship Commitment Ceremony, that's for sure :-(
[Response] To tell you the truth, my parents also have no clue about who I am. So, I can relate very much to your inner (and very real) pain. I might never have a Friendship Commitment Ceremony too (because of rejection and scorn). In a way, society has become so very 'backwards' in this day and age. NOW it is okay to have homosexual/gay weddings, but I cannot marry my best Friend? What has this world come to?? **Sighs**
My name's Cindy. Geez, you've hit the nail on the head for me. I see you wrote these entries some time ago, but it's very relevant for me today. Although "happily" married, I've bonded very closely to a friend. Her husband can't get his head around it, and is worried that we're going to run off together (we're not planning on it!). His attitude has caused us a little confusion and even some perplexity, even though everything feels so right between us. Although I've told my husband, we dare not tell hers that we hold hands and hug for longer than what most people do. Yet, we have nothing to hide. We have no sexual interest in each other at all, and "love" our husbands....
[Response] Yeah, but which entries are you referring to??? LOL, I mean I've got like a total of 105 entries altogether (which is a lot!)
Cindy: Oh no, I just meant the whole "romantic friendship" concept/idea. It is really good.
Hello, my name is Esther. I love the trust and loyalty they share as best friends which, in many cases, do not exist in this world anymore. I'm reffering to the Oprah & Gayle, and Siegfried & Roy entries.
[Response] Actually, I am implying they're more than best friends, but not lovers. And that (same thing) goes for the rest of other platonic romantic pairs. It is like Close Friendship Encounters of the Fourth Kind or like Special Relationships in the Twilight Zone. But yes, they're Friends; not lovers. Hard to explain!
You can call me Isabella. I can completely identify with the type of relationship they have (Oprah & Gayle) People pick it apart... and THAT is why I struggle so much with my own feelings here in Salt Lake City. It is amazing I can kiss a guy on the first date, kiss my dog, my cat, and my new computer. But, if I get that close to a Friend that I have known for almost 20 years in Utah, red flags go up with people.
[Response] Yes, I know! Very sad....
You should see the 3rd movie! It's a gay allegory, considering gay adoption by Timon and Pumbaa! Great. ~~Zack, an aimless twenty-something party guy from Molokai, Hawaii~~
[Response] I saw it, and I'm alluding to "something else" actually.... hence the title of my blog & book. But, thanks for reading my entries! I agree with you. It was a great movie.
Correction: "The Lion King 1-1/2" is also being listed as "The Lion King III: Hakuna Matata" in other countries/regions.
Bottom Line: These two movies are the same.
Question: Will there be a 4th movie? I hope so!
What's wrong with interpreting them as gay or interpreting them as a friendship? Timon canonically also falls "in love" with a female meerkat in one story so I see him more as ambiguously bisexual.
Why even debate it though? As an active fandom shipper I have het couples, femme slash couples, and male slash couples. I rarely ship what is "canon", at least, canonically stated as a couple. Especially for het. I think for myself. :)
[Response]Currently pending....
Good material on romantic friendships is not easy to find, as you well know. I am so happy to have found this blog!
I do agree with what Dylan said about homosexuality existing alongside romantic friendship - I also like to think that if I had a friend for whom I started to have sexual feelings, that wouldn't *necessarily* make it any less pure and wonderful.
[Response] Oh, really? **Raises Eyebrows** Interesting.... Please do continue (carry on) with whatever else you wish to say. Is there any additional comments you'd like to publish on here? Or other tidbits of information you'd like to share with the rest of us? **Smile**
Yes, thank you! But by and large, I wholeheartedly agree with what you say and it's so relieving to find someone who feels the way I do. I am not a highly sexual person and intimate friendship has always been more important to me than sexual relationships (which I have never even had...) I once had a friend who came close to being a Friend, so I know how wonderful it can be. There's something so clean and deep and liberating in not being a part of what the mainstream considers "romance", which I think is largely "patriarchy made vaguely appealing to women."
~~Jane~~
[Response] Frankly, to tell you the truth, my journal IS THE ONLY Romantic Friendship blog out there! I guess that makes it official. I'm not joking sweetie. Look it up on the Google search engine. It not only appears on the very first page, but also on the very top 1st hyperlink as well (chuckles). So yes Jane, material like this is very hard to come by. Yet, it is extremely, extremely easy to find. If and ONLY IF people know exactly what they're searching for. Actually, all they need to do is type down two critical keywords, "romantic friendship."
It seems we have a lot in common (including us being both virgins), LOL. But, could you be a little more specific on what you liked about my blog? What were your favorite entries?? What lines "jumped out" at you? Did you read my journal from the beginning (dating back to the earliest archives) or did you only look at the entries that "caught" your attention? I'd need to know this for statistical purposes. Thank you.
Did you like my commentaries on the FGT & XWP entries? I've spend a considerable amount of time on these. Or perhaps (like some readers have commented) did you like my "Dawn Of A New Era" romantic pics of women posing together intimately?
If you want, add yourself to my blogroll because I am creating about 15 more entries by the end of summer. It'd be nice if you became my 9th follower. **Smile** I appreciate your thoughtful comments!
P.S. Can you tell me more about your friend who almost became your Friend? I mean, just general stuff of course. Like where did you two meet? How did you get to know each other? Or just tell me some small story, funny anecdotes; etc which pretty much summarizes your friendship with this person. I'd be interested to read about it!
[Jane] By “hard to find,” I suppose I meant hard to find in quantity/in the mainstream... But thankfully not in quality, as your blog proves!
I have not had time yet to read all of the entries, as I am finishing up my final semester as an undergraduate at university (my last assignment is due tomorrow!) But so far, I have enjoyed the photo posts (both of women and of men, but especially the historic male friendship postcards and photos) and the posts with essays, such as “Empty Seats” that explore the reasoning behind the lack of romantic friendship in society today. I am interested academically in the connections between homophobia, misogyny, and the decline of romantic friendship, and personally in finding out how other people feel about romantic friendship and meeting others who are searching for one. When reading a blog, I tend to start with entries that catch my attention, but usually eventually read all of them (like yours).
I don't mind talking about my friend (who almost became my Friend). I met her at an event that my high school hosted for incoming freshmen. We were put into groups to tour the campus, and she was randomly placed in the same one I was. I'm usually pretty shy about talking to random people, but she caught my eye because of her appearance – long, slightly wavy dark hair, pale skin, and green-blue eyes. She was also wearing a t-shirt with a picture of Legolas from The Lord of the Rings. I thought, “she’s either a crazy Legolas fangirl, or a really cool person.” So I took a risk and asked her if she was a Lord of the Rings fan. She said yes, and asked me if I'd read the books (as opposed to just having seen the movies.) I said yes and we went from there.
We found out that we had an enormous number of interests and opinions in common, and we became closer as time went on. Being around her made me so happy. We were somewhat physically close and sometimes linked arms while walking or cuddled or held each other more than what would be considered “normal,” but we never kissed or did more than that. (Though I would have loved to have kissed her.) Once I was over at her house and we just fell asleep on the sofa together without meaning to. When I woke up and realized what had happened, I thought it was the cutest thing ever. I sometimes got the impression that she would have liked to be closer (to be able to kiss, etc.) but I was too nervous to ask because I didn't want her to think I was a lesbian, so I never found out. We had a falling out in the middle of our senior year of high school. We eventually made up, but we have not seen each other much since then.
I identify today as an asexual bi-romantic. I am sometimes attracted to men in books and movies, and more rarely to women. But, she is the only person I have ever been romantically attached to in real life. It has been almost eight years since I met her and I still wish I could make things work out with her, although I now know that there are several reasons why she is not completely right for me. I characterize my attachment to her as a romantic friendship rather than sexual attraction because I never experienced a desire to have sex with her – just to kiss, cuddle, have romantic dinners, and all those other wonderful things.
~~Jane P.S. I'm from New England~~
[Response] Thanks so much for sharing your story Jane!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You are a woman of such wisdom.... I also picture you as a lone beautiful maiden standing on the crest of a small hill, the light breeze blowing your hair and simple frock as you look off into the distance with a gentle smile.... ~~Aaron Zimmerman~~
[Response] Er... Um, thanks. I never thought of myself in that way. How poetic!
What nice pictures! We really are missing a lot in our "modern" understanding of Friendship. ~~Seth J. Keegan~~
This is sadly true (what you wrote in teh blog description)....[sigh] Ever liked Duran Duran? well, it seems that the bass player and lead singer (John and Simon) actually have this kind of friendship... Humm... dunno what one thing has to do with the other anyhow... anyway, great blog!
Posted By Marian On Romantic Friendships Between Males I
August 1, 2011 10:57 AM
Ibson's book, "Picturing Men", is not just a picture book, but a serious and well-written scholarly essay analyzing the changes in American male relationships as portrayed in vernacular photography from roughly 1850 to 1950. I read the book from cover to cover and loved it. It is one of a small handful of books which has had the most profound affect on my life. Your observation about the devolution of affection among male athletes, which Ibson points out in his book, is well taken and exemplifies a much wider degeneration of connection between men in America over the course of a century or less." ~~Mike, an avid reader~~
It's too long to read (I mean, the historical examples). Can you try to break em' up into shorter sections? Thanks! ~~Barbara Whittaker~~
[Response] Allright, I'll try my best. Thanks for your helpful feedback!!
I can't believe I found you! Someone who can put into words this undefinable relationship. Someone who can help alleviate the confusion. But from what I can see, you've left plenty for me to read through. I never went searching for a romantic friendship (until now). We're not lesbians and never were, but it confused both of us (to the extent that I self-harmed due to the misplaced guilt). Although we'll probably never aspire to this kind of unique relationship (our families and friends wouldn't understand); still it is reassuring to find that others have walked this path.
I just love her - and she loves me, period. Loving her helps me understand how to love God more intimately. How holding His hand might also bring tears to my eyes because of the sheer beauty of a wonderful love. ~~Beatrice & Felicia~~
What's up? I'm Vanessa. You should check out Rizzoli & Isles, another romantic friendship in the making :) ~~An annoymous bored gal randomly browsing on the Internet~~
The music video is amazing. The lyrics and music match the scenes better than I could have imagined, and it shows such a beautiful romantic friendship between the two women. It nearly brings tears to my eyes and makes me long for something like what they have. I'll always remember Idgie & Ruth. ~~Valerie Swanson~~
I believe idgie has romantic feelings for ruth, which is her bestfriend and ruth can sense it, but back in those days you were to never show the truth if you were gay or even thought of being gay. there were still lesbians back then but they were unable to act on it.... yes it is a friendship, but it goes deeper then that for one while the other is iffy but im sure feels it too.
From Ariel, one of your regular followers on Blogger
Posted On July 30, 2011 7:30 AM
Hi, I'm from Spain. =) This summer I've seen Fried Green Tomatoes for the first time and I should to say that is the one of the best movies I've ever seen. I want to get the Extended Anniversary Edition but only it sells in USA =( Thanks to this movie my life is other, I think that Idgie is a fantastic person, I love Idgie, and Smokey, and Big George and all the chararcters, but in special Idgie, I think that Mary Stuart Masterson was the best actress to play her. All the time I am looking for things about this movie because I have a obsession with this story and I can say that this critic is wonderful. This Sunday done a month that I saw this magical movie and I have seen the movie more than 6 times and always I finished with tears on my eyes or when I heard de OST I have to quit it because I get sad and nostalgic. In conclusion this is a great movie, that never I will forget it in my whole life. Sorry for my English.
Originally Dated: September 5, 2011 3:21 PM
[Response]If you love this movie, you'll go crazy-rabid with the Xena Warrior Princess show. Think of it as a 2,000 to 3,000 years long romance epic saga between Idgie & Ruth, but X10 more intense. They (like them) never had sex nor made out, but it was a very romantic Tv show nevertheless. In fact, I've just devoted 17 cool entries to that specific show. About Xena & Gabrielle. Good luck!!! By the way, FGT is coming soon to blu-ray; even better! Save your money.
Posted On September 8, 2011 2:39 PM
As for romantic friendships, there are women out there who want them, though they do not always realize that this is what is missing in their lives. I found my soulmate in the Xenaverse. We were introduced by a mutual friend, a fellow Xena fanfic writer that I met because of my writing. Not everyone can understand a romantic friendship. But for some, it is very important and the lack thereof can leave an aching in their soul. I can tell you that they exist, but sadly, I can't tell you where to find them. I waited 34 years to find mine.
~~Chemmy~~
Really, I tell you... You shouldn't disregard the notion of becoming a writer, a published writer, where people can read, and enjoy, and become educated with your research, your wit and your intelligence. Not to mention, your candor and your courage. ~~Nora Townsend~~
Surely you have found a good publisher.... the whole work (in general) is brilliant, far too wonderful for a little AOL blog. Do consider it, it's been wonderful to read. So hard to comment on each and every one, as it takes me time to digest your words. But, if I had volumes and volumes to read, I would still anticipate more. Thank you. ~~Tracy Shepherd~~
I get an emotional rise out of watching two women get emotionally close! ~~Julia Greenberg~~
Hello there, I'm Paula. Lol, I should read down further before I comment on "Affectional Orientation..." You and I, uh, share some things in common. I care intensely, love intensely, but it's not a crush. And I don't have the desire for the romantic exclusivity that tends to be associated with romanticism. Just because I have a "best friend" doesn't mean there aren't other women who I connect on a deep level with and share things with. I perceive a "romantic friendship" as being something of a special nature out of all other friendships that person has, and I can't see myself in such a relationship. No, I think I would find it constrictive. Yet I still wish I had someone I could spend my life with in the "share the house with" sense, to do chores with, share time when I feel like I need to be around other people--or not, if we have other plans--just have someone there. (I used to sleep at the foot of my roommate's bed in college sometimes, next to her--I didn't have as close a connection with her as with my best friend, but it was comforting and enjoyable. So I see even that sort of thing as separate from the romantic friendship mold because we weren't THAT close, just comfortable with each other.) However, could I truly desire a romantic friendship and not know it? I won't rule it out, but at this moment I guess it doesn't look that much like it to me.
[Response] Paula, it's okay! Not everybody has to agree with my ideas/concepts. In fact, some don't. But, thank you for taking your time to not only read my blog, but also for taking your time to post such a lengthy in-depth thoughtful comment! Also, thanks again for being very honest with yourself at the end.
Wow. . . I just discovered this today, after a friend on the phone told me I should look up what a traditional "Boston marriage" was. Because you see, I'm pretty sure I won't be marrying anyone (I don't really have a thing for guys--yet I'm still quite "straight"), and your post about alternatives to being single all one's life really was fascinating. I was lamenting to my friend how I didn't want to live by myself but couldn't imagine living with someone who would end up dating guys all the time, yet I have absolutely zero sexual attraction to other women (and my religious beliefs would prohibit me from acting on such attraction even if I did experience it). I just encountered the whole romantic friendship idea, and am now trying to see how that fits with the asexuality community labels and ideas?? Oh, and by the way, I'm Ronnie.
[Response] Well, it has very similar ideas, particularly in the "asexual lesbian" section of the general asexuality community board forum. However, I believe the term itself to be kinda of a misnomer. But, that's just my personal opinion. FYI, I'm also a member there. I can easily be found under XWPChick09. Still, I don't quite feel I belong there. Instead, I truly, truly feel 100% at home in the Xenaverse. It is my very own personal Heaven on earth. Anyway, **waves** its nice meeting you Ronnie! I hope you will eventually warm up to the idea of Romantic Friendship & Boston marriage. Its a whole "new" radical dimension out there to explore!
I'm Claudia here. I can completely understand why someone would want to choose that kind of arrangement. Love, support, commitment and the toilet seat would always be down. :) I totally loved the "So, Are You Two Together?" entries!
You know.... women are funny creatures. Very often the affection, close contact, the snuggling; well it is enough. We nest. ~~Hannah & Natasha~~
Go figure.... you sit down to your computer with only your thoughts, and you have so profoundly affected me. ~~Rebecca~~
I just checked out the blog! Very nice! Added it to my favorites! ~~Skygack, an asexual lesbian~~
Like a lost, tech savvy soul, I consulted google for similar [nonsexual] couple pairs that behave this way and found the rare [and ancient] coined term, “Romantic Friendship.” Ms. Lillian.... All I can say is this: Thank the Lord for your existence! Amen. ~~Connie, a prim schoolteacher from Auckland, New Zealand~~
Holy Cow! I know why you created an entire blog on this whole 'weird' subject..... You've finally managed 'to connect' all the dots. Yes, I'm serious! You have such an eccentric mind. ~~Laura, a humanitarian doc stationed in Somalia, Africa~~
Who are you who writes with such insight about Friendship and love, and with such similarity to my own heart and mind? ~~Sandy, a lonely but deep-thinker kind of girl living in the UK~~
G'Day! I've been reading your whole blog up to this point. Fair dinkum! I can relate to a lot of it. I too want a romantic friendship and a boston marriage. Its very inspiring :) ~~Amanda from Queensland, Australia ~~
Thank you so much for this Lillian. You're such a courageous and wise lady. I've been working my way through your blog (I'm Ange). In my case, my friend and I have been taken by surprise. It's still early, but we are no longer struggling, thanks to your website! We talk to each other and talk to God about this a lot. We don't feel condemned by God - in fact, I think He's blessed us with a special privilege. We're certainly not asexual, and we've just had to give up trying to define it all. I don't even know if the Boston thing is for us, but we just love each other. We hold hands (discreetly), we give each other many pecks on the cheek (discreetly), and we hug for much longer than "normal". Yet at the same time, we have no erotic thoughts about each other at all. We didn't know what to call ourselves, but now I think we do. We're romantic friends!
Hi everyone!
Guy Love is a great thing. In our age, we tend to be afraid of attraction, affection, and deep connection between guy friends. I'm not gay, but I think deep friendships are important. Emotional bonding doesn't necessarily have to be sexual. And I think it is healthy to have relational intimacy with our friends. It takes work, and trust, and time, and forgiveness--but it is such a healthy thing.
I lost my best friend because of strong cultural mores and homophobia. And we weren’t even gay; our relationship was platonic. We were just two kids who connected at a soul-deep level, but our friendship was so misunderstood that the adults around us essentially forced us apart.
It was a sad situation, but out of it I have decided to write a novel–an imaginative retelling of the biblical story of Jonathan and David–in honor of the goodness of deep friendships between men. I’d love for some input at http://www.benjamindavids.com
Written By Benjamin Davids
October 15, 2010 11:43 AM
I wanted to tell you already how much I appreciate what you have put together. I am a man who yearns for a romantic friendship with another man, or "Guy Love" as JD and Turk so eloquently put it (I recorded that episode a couple years ago when it first aired and it's still on my DVR), and although your blog is admittedly mostly about "Gal Love" I am finding it refreshing and inspiring. ~~Hank~~
I enjoyed coming across your blog and reading through it. I find almost 100% of what you say to be very affirming. I think people shouldn't have to worry about how they express affection towards their friends in private or in public.
I do take issue to one thing that you have said though. 'I have a dream that perhaps homosexuality will be a thing of the past...' I feel that homosexuality, heterosexuality and Boston marriage/romantic friendships can all co-inside. Friendship is different than sexuality, wouldn't you agree with that? ~~Dylan~~
[Response] You do mean, "can all co-exist." And yes, of course I know Friendship is different from sexuality. Don't fret or worry over that particular line too much. After all, I just merely said [note the keyword] "perhaps." Not even I am sure. I could be right or I could be wrong. However, one has certain opinions **clears throat**
Thanks for reading through it anyway! I'm glad you enjoyed it. I also appreciate any constructive criticism people may make towards my blog.
Howdy! I'm Charlie from Dallas, USA. And its awesome meeting you. I cannot tell you how encouraging it is to find another living person who holds a view so similar to my own, and trumpets that view with such passion. Bravo!
You dream beautifully, Lillian. Thank you for sharing your dream with the world, and know that at least one man out here shares your dream. May it be fulfilled soon. ~~Matthrew, a straight businessman from Singapore~~
Hi Lillian,
I found your blog about a year ago. I read most of it then. I just found it again today. Your format is nicer, but the blog still touches my soul the same. I like the pictures you have included. Makes me wish it was the norm. I wish I was as brave as you. Take care! ~~Jessica~~
Hi there. Nice blog! I like your journal; it's looking so cool according to blog theme. You have shared useful information. I'd like to join your website again and again. I want to say thanks to this blog owner. Keep up the good work! It really gives good details. Bharat also loves it. ~~Arya Samaj Mandir in Noida~~
[Response] You're very welcome indeed! In fact, why don't you become my 11th follower? Add yourself to my blogroll. Uh, er... Where exactly are you from?? My best guess: Its close to Delhi, the capital of India.
Greetings from Vicky & Rachel in Newfoundland,
I wouldn't quite say I stumbled upon your blog, as I was looking for this content specifically. However, I wasn't quite expecting to find something like this-- so personal. I'd like you to know that I, myself, have a romantic friend. I wasn't looking for her, as you are looking, but we happened by chance. So what you're looking for exists. It's very real. So genuine that it at times seems in fact surreal. :]
Ms. Lillian Marie, you have a very beautiful (quite rare) love that you're looking for, although not easy to maintain. I hope you find her.
[Response] Thank you so very much..... And yes, all this content is very, very personal. I hope I find her too..... **Smiles Softly**
Hello dear, I'm Sue from Nebraska; just a traditional heterosexual housewife with 2 kids. You are so incredibly talented, and when I can't find a new entry of yours, (and I check often, like if you were my friend next door), I feel a loss.....
[Response] I really liked the personal e-mail you wrote to me. It was the very best comment/feedback I ever got. In fact, you're located in an entry titled, "A Hundred Years From Now..." I hope you don't mind. FYI, yours was also the very first (the earliest) letter I ever got. I also appreciated our several subsequent e-mail correspondences. Trust me, your blog is NOT BORING at all! It is very nice. However; as you mentioning that I should get the whole thing 'officially' published, I'm very sorry. I just can't. My personal reasons for this are complex. You know, sometimes I wonder (even up to this day), if you are actually someone I personally know in real-life. But, I suppose I'll never know...
An insightful post. Will definitely help because I also host workshops in my local community [The Psychology With Which Women Regard Other Women]
Thanks,
Karim - Creating Power
September 22, 2009 5:39 AM
[Response] You're welcome. If you liked that particular entry, I strongly reconmmend you read also, "Proposing A Third Way Of Life."
It's sad that the world is so perverted, that this kind of affection is associated with sexuality. For years I thought I was a pervert for wanting to be this close to another girl, but now I think this is what God originally intended friendship to be like.
Written By Gabrielle
November 3, 2011 11:00 AM
[Response] Correction: I know this is what God originally intended Friendship to be like.
Capitalize it. Spread the Word!!!
What's your REAL name? Just who the heck are you?! (from an annoymous individual)
[Response] Well, let's just say my pen-name 'nearly resembles' my true name, LOL!
I found your blog when I was searching for something that I could relate to. When I was searching on the Internet, most of them turned out to be lesbian, and that's not what I'm looking for. I searched on Amazon.com for things and then it started to suggest gay and lesbian readings to me... I got a little offended that Amazon.com was judging me. :) Your blog really spoke to me because I really think I understand where you are coming from. ~~Danielle, a shy and easily embarrassed librarian from Colorado~~
[Response] Yes; I try my best to get my message across clearly. Still, there are some people (out there) who think I'm just crazy. Anyway, its good to know that you got the 'main idea' of my entire website.
Hi, I'm Martha. Interesting... This is the first I'd heard of that sort of ceremony. But my parents have no clue about me! I know my dad will not get it or accept it at all; I wouldn't ever have an official Friendship Commitment Ceremony, that's for sure :-(
[Response] To tell you the truth, my parents also have no clue about who I am. So, I can relate very much to your inner (and very real) pain. I might never have a Friendship Commitment Ceremony too (because of rejection and scorn). In a way, society has become so very 'backwards' in this day and age. NOW it is okay to have homosexual/gay weddings, but I cannot marry my best Friend? What has this world come to?? **Sighs**
My name's Cindy. Geez, you've hit the nail on the head for me. I see you wrote these entries some time ago, but it's very relevant for me today. Although "happily" married, I've bonded very closely to a friend. Her husband can't get his head around it, and is worried that we're going to run off together (we're not planning on it!). His attitude has caused us a little confusion and even some perplexity, even though everything feels so right between us. Although I've told my husband, we dare not tell hers that we hold hands and hug for longer than what most people do. Yet, we have nothing to hide. We have no sexual interest in each other at all, and "love" our husbands....
[Response] Yeah, but which entries are you referring to??? LOL, I mean I've got like a total of 105 entries altogether (which is a lot!)
Cindy: Oh no, I just meant the whole "romantic friendship" concept/idea. It is really good.
Hello, my name is Esther. I love the trust and loyalty they share as best friends which, in many cases, do not exist in this world anymore. I'm reffering to the Oprah & Gayle, and Siegfried & Roy entries.
[Response] Actually, I am implying they're more than best friends, but not lovers. And that (same thing) goes for the rest of other platonic romantic pairs. It is like Close Friendship Encounters of the Fourth Kind or like Special Relationships in the Twilight Zone. But yes, they're Friends; not lovers. Hard to explain!
You can call me Isabella. I can completely identify with the type of relationship they have (Oprah & Gayle) People pick it apart... and THAT is why I struggle so much with my own feelings here in Salt Lake City. It is amazing I can kiss a guy on the first date, kiss my dog, my cat, and my new computer. But, if I get that close to a Friend that I have known for almost 20 years in Utah, red flags go up with people.
[Response] Yes, I know! Very sad....
You should see the 3rd movie! It's a gay allegory, considering gay adoption by Timon and Pumbaa! Great. ~~Zack, an aimless twenty-something party guy from Molokai, Hawaii~~
[Response] I saw it, and I'm alluding to "something else" actually.... hence the title of my blog & book. But, thanks for reading my entries! I agree with you. It was a great movie.
Correction: "The Lion King 1-1/2" is also being listed as "The Lion King III: Hakuna Matata" in other countries/regions.
Bottom Line: These two movies are the same.
Question: Will there be a 4th movie? I hope so!
What's wrong with interpreting them as gay or interpreting them as a friendship? Timon canonically also falls "in love" with a female meerkat in one story so I see him more as ambiguously bisexual.
Why even debate it though? As an active fandom shipper I have het couples, femme slash couples, and male slash couples. I rarely ship what is "canon", at least, canonically stated as a couple. Especially for het. I think for myself. :)
[Response]Currently pending....
Good material on romantic friendships is not easy to find, as you well know. I am so happy to have found this blog!
I do agree with what Dylan said about homosexuality existing alongside romantic friendship - I also like to think that if I had a friend for whom I started to have sexual feelings, that wouldn't *necessarily* make it any less pure and wonderful.
[Response] Oh, really? **Raises Eyebrows** Interesting.... Please do continue (carry on) with whatever else you wish to say. Is there any additional comments you'd like to publish on here? Or other tidbits of information you'd like to share with the rest of us? **Smile**
Yes, thank you! But by and large, I wholeheartedly agree with what you say and it's so relieving to find someone who feels the way I do. I am not a highly sexual person and intimate friendship has always been more important to me than sexual relationships (which I have never even had...) I once had a friend who came close to being a Friend, so I know how wonderful it can be. There's something so clean and deep and liberating in not being a part of what the mainstream considers "romance", which I think is largely "patriarchy made vaguely appealing to women."
~~Jane~~
[Response] Frankly, to tell you the truth, my journal IS THE ONLY Romantic Friendship blog out there! I guess that makes it official. I'm not joking sweetie. Look it up on the Google search engine. It not only appears on the very first page, but also on the very top 1st hyperlink as well (chuckles). So yes Jane, material like this is very hard to come by. Yet, it is extremely, extremely easy to find. If and ONLY IF people know exactly what they're searching for. Actually, all they need to do is type down two critical keywords, "romantic friendship."
It seems we have a lot in common (including us being both virgins), LOL. But, could you be a little more specific on what you liked about my blog? What were your favorite entries?? What lines "jumped out" at you? Did you read my journal from the beginning (dating back to the earliest archives) or did you only look at the entries that "caught" your attention? I'd need to know this for statistical purposes. Thank you.
Did you like my commentaries on the FGT & XWP entries? I've spend a considerable amount of time on these. Or perhaps (like some readers have commented) did you like my "Dawn Of A New Era" romantic pics of women posing together intimately?
If you want, add yourself to my blogroll because I am creating about 15 more entries by the end of summer. It'd be nice if you became my 9th follower. **Smile** I appreciate your thoughtful comments!
P.S. Can you tell me more about your friend who almost became your Friend? I mean, just general stuff of course. Like where did you two meet? How did you get to know each other? Or just tell me some small story, funny anecdotes; etc which pretty much summarizes your friendship with this person. I'd be interested to read about it!
[Jane] By “hard to find,” I suppose I meant hard to find in quantity/in the mainstream... But thankfully not in quality, as your blog proves!
I have not had time yet to read all of the entries, as I am finishing up my final semester as an undergraduate at university (my last assignment is due tomorrow!) But so far, I have enjoyed the photo posts (both of women and of men, but especially the historic male friendship postcards and photos) and the posts with essays, such as “Empty Seats” that explore the reasoning behind the lack of romantic friendship in society today. I am interested academically in the connections between homophobia, misogyny, and the decline of romantic friendship, and personally in finding out how other people feel about romantic friendship and meeting others who are searching for one. When reading a blog, I tend to start with entries that catch my attention, but usually eventually read all of them (like yours).
I don't mind talking about my friend (who almost became my Friend). I met her at an event that my high school hosted for incoming freshmen. We were put into groups to tour the campus, and she was randomly placed in the same one I was. I'm usually pretty shy about talking to random people, but she caught my eye because of her appearance – long, slightly wavy dark hair, pale skin, and green-blue eyes. She was also wearing a t-shirt with a picture of Legolas from The Lord of the Rings. I thought, “she’s either a crazy Legolas fangirl, or a really cool person.” So I took a risk and asked her if she was a Lord of the Rings fan. She said yes, and asked me if I'd read the books (as opposed to just having seen the movies.) I said yes and we went from there.
We found out that we had an enormous number of interests and opinions in common, and we became closer as time went on. Being around her made me so happy. We were somewhat physically close and sometimes linked arms while walking or cuddled or held each other more than what would be considered “normal,” but we never kissed or did more than that. (Though I would have loved to have kissed her.) Once I was over at her house and we just fell asleep on the sofa together without meaning to. When I woke up and realized what had happened, I thought it was the cutest thing ever. I sometimes got the impression that she would have liked to be closer (to be able to kiss, etc.) but I was too nervous to ask because I didn't want her to think I was a lesbian, so I never found out. We had a falling out in the middle of our senior year of high school. We eventually made up, but we have not seen each other much since then.
I identify today as an asexual bi-romantic. I am sometimes attracted to men in books and movies, and more rarely to women. But, she is the only person I have ever been romantically attached to in real life. It has been almost eight years since I met her and I still wish I could make things work out with her, although I now know that there are several reasons why she is not completely right for me. I characterize my attachment to her as a romantic friendship rather than sexual attraction because I never experienced a desire to have sex with her – just to kiss, cuddle, have romantic dinners, and all those other wonderful things.
~~Jane P.S. I'm from New England~~
[Response] Thanks so much for sharing your story Jane!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You are a woman of such wisdom.... I also picture you as a lone beautiful maiden standing on the crest of a small hill, the light breeze blowing your hair and simple frock as you look off into the distance with a gentle smile.... ~~Aaron Zimmerman~~
[Response] Er... Um, thanks. I never thought of myself in that way. How poetic!
What nice pictures! We really are missing a lot in our "modern" understanding of Friendship. ~~Seth J. Keegan~~
This is sadly true (what you wrote in teh blog description)....[sigh] Ever liked Duran Duran? well, it seems that the bass player and lead singer (John and Simon) actually have this kind of friendship... Humm... dunno what one thing has to do with the other anyhow... anyway, great blog!
Posted By Marian On Romantic Friendships Between Males I
August 1, 2011 10:57 AM
Ibson's book, "Picturing Men", is not just a picture book, but a serious and well-written scholarly essay analyzing the changes in American male relationships as portrayed in vernacular photography from roughly 1850 to 1950. I read the book from cover to cover and loved it. It is one of a small handful of books which has had the most profound affect on my life. Your observation about the devolution of affection among male athletes, which Ibson points out in his book, is well taken and exemplifies a much wider degeneration of connection between men in America over the course of a century or less." ~~Mike, an avid reader~~
It's too long to read (I mean, the historical examples). Can you try to break em' up into shorter sections? Thanks! ~~Barbara Whittaker~~
[Response] Allright, I'll try my best. Thanks for your helpful feedback!!
I can't believe I found you! Someone who can put into words this undefinable relationship. Someone who can help alleviate the confusion. But from what I can see, you've left plenty for me to read through. I never went searching for a romantic friendship (until now). We're not lesbians and never were, but it confused both of us (to the extent that I self-harmed due to the misplaced guilt). Although we'll probably never aspire to this kind of unique relationship (our families and friends wouldn't understand); still it is reassuring to find that others have walked this path.
I just love her - and she loves me, period. Loving her helps me understand how to love God more intimately. How holding His hand might also bring tears to my eyes because of the sheer beauty of a wonderful love. ~~Beatrice & Felicia~~
What's up? I'm Vanessa. You should check out Rizzoli & Isles, another romantic friendship in the making :) ~~An annoymous bored gal randomly browsing on the Internet~~
The music video is amazing. The lyrics and music match the scenes better than I could have imagined, and it shows such a beautiful romantic friendship between the two women. It nearly brings tears to my eyes and makes me long for something like what they have. I'll always remember Idgie & Ruth. ~~Valerie Swanson~~
I believe idgie has romantic feelings for ruth, which is her bestfriend and ruth can sense it, but back in those days you were to never show the truth if you were gay or even thought of being gay. there were still lesbians back then but they were unable to act on it.... yes it is a friendship, but it goes deeper then that for one while the other is iffy but im sure feels it too.
From Ariel, one of your regular followers on Blogger
Posted On July 30, 2011 7:30 AM
Hi, I'm from Spain. =) This summer I've seen Fried Green Tomatoes for the first time and I should to say that is the one of the best movies I've ever seen. I want to get the Extended Anniversary Edition but only it sells in USA =( Thanks to this movie my life is other, I think that Idgie is a fantastic person, I love Idgie, and Smokey, and Big George and all the chararcters, but in special Idgie, I think that Mary Stuart Masterson was the best actress to play her. All the time I am looking for things about this movie because I have a obsession with this story and I can say that this critic is wonderful. This Sunday done a month that I saw this magical movie and I have seen the movie more than 6 times and always I finished with tears on my eyes or when I heard de OST I have to quit it because I get sad and nostalgic. In conclusion this is a great movie, that never I will forget it in my whole life. Sorry for my English.
Originally Dated: September 5, 2011 3:21 PM
[Response]If you love this movie, you'll go crazy-rabid with the Xena Warrior Princess show. Think of it as a 2,000 to 3,000 years long romance epic saga between Idgie & Ruth, but X10 more intense. They (like them) never had sex nor made out, but it was a very romantic Tv show nevertheless. In fact, I've just devoted 17 cool entries to that specific show. About Xena & Gabrielle. Good luck!!! By the way, FGT is coming soon to blu-ray; even better! Save your money.
Posted On September 8, 2011 2:39 PM
As for romantic friendships, there are women out there who want them, though they do not always realize that this is what is missing in their lives. I found my soulmate in the Xenaverse. We were introduced by a mutual friend, a fellow Xena fanfic writer that I met because of my writing. Not everyone can understand a romantic friendship. But for some, it is very important and the lack thereof can leave an aching in their soul. I can tell you that they exist, but sadly, I can't tell you where to find them. I waited 34 years to find mine.
~~Chemmy~~
Really, I tell you... You shouldn't disregard the notion of becoming a writer, a published writer, where people can read, and enjoy, and become educated with your research, your wit and your intelligence. Not to mention, your candor and your courage. ~~Nora Townsend~~
Surely you have found a good publisher.... the whole work (in general) is brilliant, far too wonderful for a little AOL blog. Do consider it, it's been wonderful to read. So hard to comment on each and every one, as it takes me time to digest your words. But, if I had volumes and volumes to read, I would still anticipate more. Thank you. ~~Tracy Shepherd~~
I get an emotional rise out of watching two women get emotionally close! ~~Julia Greenberg~~
Hello there, I'm Paula. Lol, I should read down further before I comment on "Affectional Orientation..." You and I, uh, share some things in common. I care intensely, love intensely, but it's not a crush. And I don't have the desire for the romantic exclusivity that tends to be associated with romanticism. Just because I have a "best friend" doesn't mean there aren't other women who I connect on a deep level with and share things with. I perceive a "romantic friendship" as being something of a special nature out of all other friendships that person has, and I can't see myself in such a relationship. No, I think I would find it constrictive. Yet I still wish I had someone I could spend my life with in the "share the house with" sense, to do chores with, share time when I feel like I need to be around other people--or not, if we have other plans--just have someone there. (I used to sleep at the foot of my roommate's bed in college sometimes, next to her--I didn't have as close a connection with her as with my best friend, but it was comforting and enjoyable. So I see even that sort of thing as separate from the romantic friendship mold because we weren't THAT close, just comfortable with each other.) However, could I truly desire a romantic friendship and not know it? I won't rule it out, but at this moment I guess it doesn't look that much like it to me.
[Response] Paula, it's okay! Not everybody has to agree with my ideas/concepts. In fact, some don't. But, thank you for taking your time to not only read my blog, but also for taking your time to post such a lengthy in-depth thoughtful comment! Also, thanks again for being very honest with yourself at the end.
Wow. . . I just discovered this today, after a friend on the phone told me I should look up what a traditional "Boston marriage" was. Because you see, I'm pretty sure I won't be marrying anyone (I don't really have a thing for guys--yet I'm still quite "straight"), and your post about alternatives to being single all one's life really was fascinating. I was lamenting to my friend how I didn't want to live by myself but couldn't imagine living with someone who would end up dating guys all the time, yet I have absolutely zero sexual attraction to other women (and my religious beliefs would prohibit me from acting on such attraction even if I did experience it). I just encountered the whole romantic friendship idea, and am now trying to see how that fits with the asexuality community labels and ideas?? Oh, and by the way, I'm Ronnie.
[Response] Well, it has very similar ideas, particularly in the "asexual lesbian" section of the general asexuality community board forum. However, I believe the term itself to be kinda of a misnomer. But, that's just my personal opinion. FYI, I'm also a member there. I can easily be found under XWPChick09. Still, I don't quite feel I belong there. Instead, I truly, truly feel 100% at home in the Xenaverse. It is my very own personal Heaven on earth. Anyway, **waves** its nice meeting you Ronnie! I hope you will eventually warm up to the idea of Romantic Friendship & Boston marriage. Its a whole "new" radical dimension out there to explore!
I'm Claudia here. I can completely understand why someone would want to choose that kind of arrangement. Love, support, commitment and the toilet seat would always be down. :) I totally loved the "So, Are You Two Together?" entries!
You know.... women are funny creatures. Very often the affection, close contact, the snuggling; well it is enough. We nest. ~~Hannah & Natasha~~
Go figure.... you sit down to your computer with only your thoughts, and you have so profoundly affected me. ~~Rebecca~~
I just checked out the blog! Very nice! Added it to my favorites! ~~Skygack, an asexual lesbian~~
Like a lost, tech savvy soul, I consulted google for similar [nonsexual] couple pairs that behave this way and found the rare [and ancient] coined term, “Romantic Friendship.” Ms. Lillian.... All I can say is this: Thank the Lord for your existence! Amen. ~~Connie, a prim schoolteacher from Auckland, New Zealand~~
Holy Cow! I know why you created an entire blog on this whole 'weird' subject..... You've finally managed 'to connect' all the dots. Yes, I'm serious! You have such an eccentric mind. ~~Laura, a humanitarian doc stationed in Somalia, Africa~~
Who are you who writes with such insight about Friendship and love, and with such similarity to my own heart and mind? ~~Sandy, a lonely but deep-thinker kind of girl living in the UK~~
G'Day! I've been reading your whole blog up to this point. Fair dinkum! I can relate to a lot of it. I too want a romantic friendship and a boston marriage. Its very inspiring :) ~~Amanda from Queensland, Australia ~~
Thank you so much for this Lillian. You're such a courageous and wise lady. I've been working my way through your blog (I'm Ange). In my case, my friend and I have been taken by surprise. It's still early, but we are no longer struggling, thanks to your website! We talk to each other and talk to God about this a lot. We don't feel condemned by God - in fact, I think He's blessed us with a special privilege. We're certainly not asexual, and we've just had to give up trying to define it all. I don't even know if the Boston thing is for us, but we just love each other. We hold hands (discreetly), we give each other many pecks on the cheek (discreetly), and we hug for much longer than "normal". Yet at the same time, we have no erotic thoughts about each other at all. We didn't know what to call ourselves, but now I think we do. We're romantic friends!
Hi everyone!
Guy Love is a great thing. In our age, we tend to be afraid of attraction, affection, and deep connection between guy friends. I'm not gay, but I think deep friendships are important. Emotional bonding doesn't necessarily have to be sexual. And I think it is healthy to have relational intimacy with our friends. It takes work, and trust, and time, and forgiveness--but it is such a healthy thing.
I lost my best friend because of strong cultural mores and homophobia. And we weren’t even gay; our relationship was platonic. We were just two kids who connected at a soul-deep level, but our friendship was so misunderstood that the adults around us essentially forced us apart.
It was a sad situation, but out of it I have decided to write a novel–an imaginative retelling of the biblical story of Jonathan and David–in honor of the goodness of deep friendships between men. I’d love for some input at http://www.benjamindavids.com
Written By Benjamin Davids
October 15, 2010 11:43 AM
I wanted to tell you already how much I appreciate what you have put together. I am a man who yearns for a romantic friendship with another man, or "Guy Love" as JD and Turk so eloquently put it (I recorded that episode a couple years ago when it first aired and it's still on my DVR), and although your blog is admittedly mostly about "Gal Love" I am finding it refreshing and inspiring. ~~Hank~~
I enjoyed coming across your blog and reading through it. I find almost 100% of what you say to be very affirming. I think people shouldn't have to worry about how they express affection towards their friends in private or in public.
I do take issue to one thing that you have said though. 'I have a dream that perhaps homosexuality will be a thing of the past...' I feel that homosexuality, heterosexuality and Boston marriage/romantic friendships can all co-inside. Friendship is different than sexuality, wouldn't you agree with that? ~~Dylan~~
[Response] You do mean, "can all co-exist." And yes, of course I know Friendship is different from sexuality. Don't fret or worry over that particular line too much. After all, I just merely said [note the keyword] "perhaps." Not even I am sure. I could be right or I could be wrong. However, one has certain opinions **clears throat**
Thanks for reading through it anyway! I'm glad you enjoyed it. I also appreciate any constructive criticism people may make towards my blog.
Howdy! I'm Charlie from Dallas, USA. And its awesome meeting you. I cannot tell you how encouraging it is to find another living person who holds a view so similar to my own, and trumpets that view with such passion. Bravo!
You dream beautifully, Lillian. Thank you for sharing your dream with the world, and know that at least one man out here shares your dream. May it be fulfilled soon. ~~Matthrew, a straight businessman from Singapore~~
I Have A Dream
Dear Readers,
I have a dream that our future world will no longer be homophobic nor too sexualized, and that 'lost world' as it existed in the past will return to us with a revealing intensity, transforming our society into a much richer, colorful and more vibrant place (smiles softly). I have a dream the entire human race will finally realize that romantic love need not be accompanied by erotic love. I have a dream that women and men (in their own separate worlds) will realize it is very possible to have a long-term (or eternal) intimate romantic monogamous, but nonsexual relationship with one another exclusively.
I have a dream there will no longer be aloof, superficial, shallow or one-dimensional friendships. I have a dream Facebook, MySpace and Twitter will be a thing of the past as friends converse with each other once again face-to-face in the real world. I have a dream that deep intimate friends will allow themselves to literally faint if they saw something bad happened to their close cherished friends. I have a dream perhaps all of us, no matter what our views on "homoerotic" passages may be, can read the description of Socrates and Diotima and sigh, "Oh, what a beautiful portrait of friendship!"
I have a dream that straight men will start to have professional portraits of each other taken again in studios (as a sign of their deep intimate friendship and/or romantic friend). I have a dream that straight women will no longer 'be brainwashed' and know they can put another straight woman first in their lives (i.e. a Friend can be your significant other and soulmate). I have a dream that straight men will go to the movies together on a Saturday night (leaving no empty seats), cuddle, laugh and have a plain good ol' time! I have a dream that straight women will realize they can enjoy deep nonsexual physical and emotional intimacy with a nonsexual female life partner. I have a dream that all straight adolescent boys can playfully and affectionately lie on top of each other, smiling and laughing (no longer being ridden with anxiety) in group sport photographs, at the park playground or anywhere else. I have a dream that straight women can openly express their passionate love for each other, slow dance, kiss on the lips and send pretty nice flowers, without fear of 'looking lesbian'. I have a dream that straight men can hold hands, weep together uncontrollably, passionately sing of their guy love and openly declare their soulmate bond, without fear of ‘looking gay’. I have a dream that men and women can write thoughtful poems and terms of endearment letters expressing their affection and genuine fondness for the same-gender, without fear of 'looking odd'.
I have a dream that there are romantic, mushy and sentimental guys out there who are real-life Timons searching for their real-life Pumbaas (the one & only true classic revisitation of the extremely rare same-sex male Romantic Friendship).
I have a dream that there are romantic, mushy and sentimental gals out there who are real-life Xenas searching for their real-life Gabrielles (the one & only true classic revisitation of the extremely rare same-sex female Romantic Friendship).
I have a dream that there are romantic, mushy and sentimental men and women out there who are real-life Mulders searching for their real-life Scullys (the one & only true classic revisitation of the extremely rare opposite-sex Romantic Friendship).
I have a dream that Boston Marriages and Friendship Commitment Ceremonies would be as valid (and held to the same significance) as traditional marriages. I have a dream that rare terminologies, like Affectional Orientation, will achieve worldwide recognition by the year 2026. I have a dream there will be a plethora of modern Romantic Friendship same-sex couples in reality, in brand new novels and books, fresh theatrical plays and also musicals; even returning in movies and cinemas. I have a dream there will be same-gender figure skating partners in the Olympics, in romantic senior high school proms everywhere, and on reality shows such as 'Dancing With The Stars' too. Lastly, I have a dream that perhaps homosexuality will be a thing of the past, and that we all should adopt the prim, proper attitudes of the Victorian Era once again (and bring it back 21st century-style)!!!
Best Wishes,
Lillian Marie The Bostonian Lady
I have a dream that our future world will no longer be homophobic nor too sexualized, and that 'lost world' as it existed in the past will return to us with a revealing intensity, transforming our society into a much richer, colorful and more vibrant place (smiles softly). I have a dream the entire human race will finally realize that romantic love need not be accompanied by erotic love. I have a dream that women and men (in their own separate worlds) will realize it is very possible to have a long-term (or eternal) intimate romantic monogamous, but nonsexual relationship with one another exclusively.
I have a dream there will no longer be aloof, superficial, shallow or one-dimensional friendships. I have a dream Facebook, MySpace and Twitter will be a thing of the past as friends converse with each other once again face-to-face in the real world. I have a dream that deep intimate friends will allow themselves to literally faint if they saw something bad happened to their close cherished friends. I have a dream perhaps all of us, no matter what our views on "homoerotic" passages may be, can read the description of Socrates and Diotima and sigh, "Oh, what a beautiful portrait of friendship!"
I have a dream that straight men will start to have professional portraits of each other taken again in studios (as a sign of their deep intimate friendship and/or romantic friend). I have a dream that straight women will no longer 'be brainwashed' and know they can put another straight woman first in their lives (i.e. a Friend can be your significant other and soulmate). I have a dream that straight men will go to the movies together on a Saturday night (leaving no empty seats), cuddle, laugh and have a plain good ol' time! I have a dream that straight women will realize they can enjoy deep nonsexual physical and emotional intimacy with a nonsexual female life partner. I have a dream that all straight adolescent boys can playfully and affectionately lie on top of each other, smiling and laughing (no longer being ridden with anxiety) in group sport photographs, at the park playground or anywhere else. I have a dream that straight women can openly express their passionate love for each other, slow dance, kiss on the lips and send pretty nice flowers, without fear of 'looking lesbian'. I have a dream that straight men can hold hands, weep together uncontrollably, passionately sing of their guy love and openly declare their soulmate bond, without fear of ‘looking gay’. I have a dream that men and women can write thoughtful poems and terms of endearment letters expressing their affection and genuine fondness for the same-gender, without fear of 'looking odd'.
I have a dream that there are romantic, mushy and sentimental guys out there who are real-life Timons searching for their real-life Pumbaas (the one & only true classic revisitation of the extremely rare same-sex male Romantic Friendship).
I have a dream that there are romantic, mushy and sentimental gals out there who are real-life Xenas searching for their real-life Gabrielles (the one & only true classic revisitation of the extremely rare same-sex female Romantic Friendship).
I have a dream that there are romantic, mushy and sentimental men and women out there who are real-life Mulders searching for their real-life Scullys (the one & only true classic revisitation of the extremely rare opposite-sex Romantic Friendship).
I have a dream that Boston Marriages and Friendship Commitment Ceremonies would be as valid (and held to the same significance) as traditional marriages. I have a dream that rare terminologies, like Affectional Orientation, will achieve worldwide recognition by the year 2026. I have a dream there will be a plethora of modern Romantic Friendship same-sex couples in reality, in brand new novels and books, fresh theatrical plays and also musicals; even returning in movies and cinemas. I have a dream there will be same-gender figure skating partners in the Olympics, in romantic senior high school proms everywhere, and on reality shows such as 'Dancing With The Stars' too. Lastly, I have a dream that perhaps homosexuality will be a thing of the past, and that we all should adopt the prim, proper attitudes of the Victorian Era once again (and bring it back 21st century-style)!!!
Best Wishes,
Lillian Marie The Bostonian Lady
A Special Farewell
Yes, it has finally come to an end. I hope you enjoyed reading it! More importantly, I hope you've gained new insights & perspectives, and that it will forever change the way you view friendships and/or relationships. It certainly looks like I will be "leaving", but that is just merely the title of my entry. I meant to give a farewell speech to my followers, yes, but I will come back (from time to time) to check on my blog to see if my soulmate "out there" has found me on here.
In retrospect (and an attempt to summarize the whole thing), I've told you about my new insight, admitted to having a girl crush, explored Hite's research in great depth, created a wonderful reading list on Friendships, had introduced Romantic Friendship (with passionate letters, historical & biblical examples), discussed an entire television show (plus a whole movie) based on it, and taught the concepts of Friendship Commitment Ceremonies & Boston Marriages.
In addition, I also mentioned the extraordinary love Oprah has for Gayle, the sweet and adorable love Timon has for Pumbaa, the magical and captivating love Siegfried has for Roy, the faithful and loyal love Bates has for Coman, the enduring and devoted love Idgie has for Ruth, and finally, the rare, eternal and powerful love Xena has for Gabrielle (across the untold millenniums) which reverberates throughout the cosmos....
Moreover, I talked about how my ultimate dilemma was resolved, what my deepest & innermost desire is, how I came to see the crystal clear truth, why a significant and mind-boggling paradigm shift had occurred within me, and finally, wrote a genuine note to men. I found interesting articles, managed to put up many fascinating & elusive (black and white) photos and slideshows of men together during an ancient era affectionately known as "the good ol' times." I then concluded this special chapter with a song titled, "Guy Love" which to me (deep down) felt reminiscent of "My Buddy" just less than a century ago.
Moving on....
The next seven entries will be filled with "memorable quotes" found throughout my journal/blog, listing "many quotes about Friendship", a "profound and moving letter" a reader sent me which touched the bottom of my heart, talking about my "sudden inspiration" on what I'll probably be doing for the rest of my life, and lastly, creating two slideshows on what I imagine to be the "dawn of a new era" if that lost world, deep intimate friendships, and romantic friendship would be revived in today's modern world (how it would look like).
Okay now, I want to give a special farewell to all of my readers. You know when Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. gave his famous "I Have A Dream" speech in front of the Lincoln Memorial during the 1963 March on Washington? I'll deliver my own in the very next entry.
A Xena Searching For Her Gabrielle
I've thought long and hard about everything lately. In fact, whenever I attend to witness straight marriages (of relatives and friends I know) or see gay/lesbian weddings on television, I can truly see how elusive my dreams and desires are. I finally realized that I have a very "untraditional" vision when it comes to romance, commitment, intimacy and love (i.e. Boston marriage & romantic friendship). However, these concepts have been around since the birth of our species, and probably is as old as time!
I began to see that Disney classic fairytales (i.e. Snow White, The Little Mermaid, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty; etc) and the American Dream of having a husband, 2.5 kids and a white picket fence, while very popular desires, is not what I want deep down. Yes, although in a sense I'm “straight", that way of life (which is the norm) just isn't for me. It simply doesn't "fit" somehow. Don't get me wrong. I think the American Dream is really beautiful and sweet, but I have my own unique version of the Classic Fairytale. It is finding my soulmate, entering into a special & sacred Friendship Commitment Ceremony, and settling down into a Boston marriage that includes a passionate romantic friendship with my ladylove. No boyfriends or husbands in the picture, because she is "the one." In other words, my deepest and innermost desire is to spend the rest of my life with my Friend (yes, note the capital "F") with a true love that is strong, exclusive and steadfast, us growing old together, having 2.5 cats, and a blue picket fence with swirls of lavender; living happily realistically ever after. Yes, I'll always be a "Xena" searching for my "Gabrielle", and never give up hope that one day I will find her...
Then I realized something else. I'm now speaking directly to my future ladylove: If I do find you somewhere down the road, there may be a few bumps on our way back home. Why? Because society may not see our special bond in the same way as we do or even accept it. But, it doesn't matter because I love you, and together we will stand up for our beliefs and spread the truth. In fact, I want to give you a short poem (that I wrote) about some difficulties we my face:
"In the vast expanse of the universe,
I contemplate my existence and how I fit
Into a world where human touch has been corrupted.
If I gently take your hand in mine, fingers intertwined
Will they see two Friends who love and cherish each other?
Or will they see only physical contact,
And assume we are lovers?
When I tenderly kiss your cheek or lips,
Am I violating a law of God demeaned by social values,
Or am I simply expressing heartfelt affection?
I question the values set down by a society,
Where all touch has been deemed sexual.
How can I express my love for you,
When we cannot touch without disdainful looks?
You are my Friend and my soulmate,
My only desire is to express my love
Without fear of condemnation
In a world where love is misunderstood."
I recently bought a ring (Irish Friendship Love Claddagh Ring in Sterling Silver, #2601 found on Amazon.com). It reminds me of my favorite phrase, "Friendship is the happiest and most fully human of all loves; the crown of life and the school of virtue." I wear it on my finger all the time, and I have another one, just for you. It has two hands (representing human) holding a heart (that represents love) with a crown on top of it (which represents the crown of life). The ring is a symbol of love, loyalty, and Friendship. The hands are there for Friendship, the heart is there for love. For loyalty throughout the year, the crown is raised above. When it is worn on the right hand, with crown and heart facing out, the ring tells that the wearer's heart has yet to be won. While in a relationship it is worn with heart and crown facing inwards.
So when we do meet, become acquaintances, then friends, best friends, romantic friends and finally soulmates, I will kneel down and propose to you. If you say yes, I will say the exact words that comes with this special ring: "WITH THESE HANDS I GIVE YOU MY HEART AND I CROWN IT WITH MY LOVE." After that, I will turn my ring inwards, signifying that my heart has been won. It will definitely be the most memorable (and very unique) moment in our entire lives! I also bought a card at a store and saved it just for you:
To My Soulmate,
"I am so glad that you are part of my life. It is a privilege ~~ to know you, to share myself with you, and to walk together on the paths that take us in so many beautiful directions... I had heard of "soulmates" before, but I never knew such a person could exist ~~ until I met you... Somehow, out of all the twists and turns our lives could have taken, and out of all the chances we might have missed, it almost seems like we were given a meant-to-be moment ~~ to meet, to get to know one another, and to set the stage for a special togetherness... When I am with you, I know that I am in the presence of someone who makes my life more complete than I ever dreamed it could be. I turn to you for trust, and you give it openly. I look to you for inspiration, for answers, and for encouragement, and ~~ not only do you never let me down ~~ you lift my spirits up and take my thoughts to places where my troubles seem so much farther away and my joys feel like they're going to stay in my life forever... I hope you'll stay forever, too. I feel like you are my soulmate. And I want you to know that my world is reassured by you, my tomorrow's need to have you near, so many of my smiles depend on you, and my heart is so thankful that you are here..."
Love Always,
Lillian Marie The Bostonian Lady
I began to see that Disney classic fairytales (i.e. Snow White, The Little Mermaid, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty; etc) and the American Dream of having a husband, 2.5 kids and a white picket fence, while very popular desires, is not what I want deep down. Yes, although in a sense I'm “straight", that way of life (which is the norm) just isn't for me. It simply doesn't "fit" somehow. Don't get me wrong. I think the American Dream is really beautiful and sweet, but I have my own unique version of the Classic Fairytale. It is finding my soulmate, entering into a special & sacred Friendship Commitment Ceremony, and settling down into a Boston marriage that includes a passionate romantic friendship with my ladylove. No boyfriends or husbands in the picture, because she is "the one." In other words, my deepest and innermost desire is to spend the rest of my life with my Friend (yes, note the capital "F") with a true love that is strong, exclusive and steadfast, us growing old together, having 2.5 cats, and a blue picket fence with swirls of lavender; living happily realistically ever after. Yes, I'll always be a "Xena" searching for my "Gabrielle", and never give up hope that one day I will find her...
Then I realized something else. I'm now speaking directly to my future ladylove: If I do find you somewhere down the road, there may be a few bumps on our way back home. Why? Because society may not see our special bond in the same way as we do or even accept it. But, it doesn't matter because I love you, and together we will stand up for our beliefs and spread the truth. In fact, I want to give you a short poem (that I wrote) about some difficulties we my face:
"In the vast expanse of the universe,
I contemplate my existence and how I fit
Into a world where human touch has been corrupted.
If I gently take your hand in mine, fingers intertwined
Will they see two Friends who love and cherish each other?
Or will they see only physical contact,
And assume we are lovers?
When I tenderly kiss your cheek or lips,
Am I violating a law of God demeaned by social values,
Or am I simply expressing heartfelt affection?
I question the values set down by a society,
Where all touch has been deemed sexual.
How can I express my love for you,
When we cannot touch without disdainful looks?
You are my Friend and my soulmate,
My only desire is to express my love
Without fear of condemnation
In a world where love is misunderstood."
I recently bought a ring (Irish Friendship Love Claddagh Ring in Sterling Silver, #2601 found on Amazon.com). It reminds me of my favorite phrase, "Friendship is the happiest and most fully human of all loves; the crown of life and the school of virtue." I wear it on my finger all the time, and I have another one, just for you. It has two hands (representing human) holding a heart (that represents love) with a crown on top of it (which represents the crown of life). The ring is a symbol of love, loyalty, and Friendship. The hands are there for Friendship, the heart is there for love. For loyalty throughout the year, the crown is raised above. When it is worn on the right hand, with crown and heart facing out, the ring tells that the wearer's heart has yet to be won. While in a relationship it is worn with heart and crown facing inwards.
So when we do meet, become acquaintances, then friends, best friends, romantic friends and finally soulmates, I will kneel down and propose to you. If you say yes, I will say the exact words that comes with this special ring: "WITH THESE HANDS I GIVE YOU MY HEART AND I CROWN IT WITH MY LOVE." After that, I will turn my ring inwards, signifying that my heart has been won. It will definitely be the most memorable (and very unique) moment in our entire lives! I also bought a card at a store and saved it just for you:
To My Soulmate,
"I am so glad that you are part of my life. It is a privilege ~~ to know you, to share myself with you, and to walk together on the paths that take us in so many beautiful directions... I had heard of "soulmates" before, but I never knew such a person could exist ~~ until I met you... Somehow, out of all the twists and turns our lives could have taken, and out of all the chances we might have missed, it almost seems like we were given a meant-to-be moment ~~ to meet, to get to know one another, and to set the stage for a special togetherness... When I am with you, I know that I am in the presence of someone who makes my life more complete than I ever dreamed it could be. I turn to you for trust, and you give it openly. I look to you for inspiration, for answers, and for encouragement, and ~~ not only do you never let me down ~~ you lift my spirits up and take my thoughts to places where my troubles seem so much farther away and my joys feel like they're going to stay in my life forever... I hope you'll stay forever, too. I feel like you are my soulmate. And I want you to know that my world is reassured by you, my tomorrow's need to have you near, so many of my smiles depend on you, and my heart is so thankful that you are here..."
Love Always,
Lillian Marie The Bostonian Lady
Guy Love
Here is something I found very endearing because I believe this to be a genuine attempt in restoring a world lost to homophobia. This video clip you're about to see is from the TV show "Scrubs". It's about two best Friends, J.D. & Turk, singing their romantic (yet nonsexual) guy love. The lyrics to the song is also included!
Note: If you cannot access this video, copy this address & paste it on your web browser toolbar above (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lL4L4Uv5rf0&feature=related) and then click "Go."
[J.D.]
Let's face the facts about me and you,
A love unspecified.
Though I'm proud to call you "Chocolate Bear,"
The crowd will always talk and stare.
[Turk]
I feel exactly those feelings, too
And that's why I keep them inside.
'Cause this bear can't bear the world's disdain,
And sometimes it's easier to hide,
Than explain our
[J.D. and Turk]
Guy love,
That's all it is,
Guy love,
He's mine, I'm his,
There's nothing gay about it in our eyes.
[Turk]
You ask me 'bout this thing we share,
[J.D.]
And he tenderly replies,
[Turk]
It's guy love
[J.D. and Turk]
Between two guys.
[Turk]
We're closer than the average man and wife,
[J.D.]
That's why our matching bracelets say Turk and J.D.
[Turk]
You know I'll stick by for the rest of my life.
[J.D.]
You're the only man who's ever been inside of me.
[Turk]
Whoa, I just took out his appendix.
[J.D.]
There's no need to clarify,
[Turk]
Oh no?
[J.D.]
Just let it grow more and more each day.
It's like I married my best friend,
[Turk]
But in a totally manly way.
[J.D. and Turk]
Let's go!
It's guy love,
Don't compromise,
The feeeling of some other guy,
Holding up your heart,
Into the sky.
[J.D.]
I'll be there to care through all the lows.
[Turk]
I'll be there to share the highs.
[J.D. and Turk]
It's guy love,
Between two guys.
[J.D.]
And when I say, "I love you, Turk,"
It's not what it implies.
[J.D. and Turk]
It's guy love
Between
Two
Guys
The guys having a heart-to-heart pillow talk
"Hi everyone! Here is my chocolate bear."
One of their many lunch dates
An unbreakable bond
J.D. & Turk busy with their babies at a park
Note: If you cannot access this video, copy this address & paste it on your web browser toolbar above (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lL4L4Uv5rf0&feature=related) and then click "Go."
[J.D.]
Let's face the facts about me and you,
A love unspecified.
Though I'm proud to call you "Chocolate Bear,"
The crowd will always talk and stare.
[Turk]
I feel exactly those feelings, too
And that's why I keep them inside.
'Cause this bear can't bear the world's disdain,
And sometimes it's easier to hide,
Than explain our
[J.D. and Turk]
Guy love,
That's all it is,
Guy love,
He's mine, I'm his,
There's nothing gay about it in our eyes.
[Turk]
You ask me 'bout this thing we share,
[J.D.]
And he tenderly replies,
[Turk]
It's guy love
[J.D. and Turk]
Between two guys.
[Turk]
We're closer than the average man and wife,
[J.D.]
That's why our matching bracelets say Turk and J.D.
[Turk]
You know I'll stick by for the rest of my life.
[J.D.]
You're the only man who's ever been inside of me.
[Turk]
Whoa, I just took out his appendix.
[J.D.]
There's no need to clarify,
[Turk]
Oh no?
[J.D.]
Just let it grow more and more each day.
It's like I married my best friend,
[Turk]
But in a totally manly way.
[J.D. and Turk]
Let's go!
It's guy love,
Don't compromise,
The feeeling of some other guy,
Holding up your heart,
Into the sky.
[J.D.]
I'll be there to care through all the lows.
[Turk]
I'll be there to share the highs.
[J.D. and Turk]
It's guy love,
Between two guys.
[J.D.]
And when I say, "I love you, Turk,"
It's not what it implies.
[J.D. and Turk]
It's guy love
Between
Two
Guys
The guys having a heart-to-heart pillow talk
"Hi everyone! Here is my chocolate bear."
One of their many lunch dates
An unbreakable bond
J.D. & Turk busy with their babies at a park
My Buddy
Figure 130. Snapshot, trimmed, 2 3/4" X 4", two sailors, 1945. Verso: "Me and Joe Bartholemy [,] taken 1945 [,] Youngstown, Ohio."
The feelings (deep and profound romantic friendships) that American men might have had for each other during the Second World War had no widespread precedent for years, not since the culture had begun inducing such anxiety about same-sex genuine affection. Combat, actual or potential, gave to men's wartime relationships a peculiar intensity and tenderness that was no doubt as common in the war as it was rare in civilian life. No wonder that popular singer Kate Smith reported that one of the most requested songs during her many visits to troops overseas was "My Buddy", a sweet and mournful song to an absent love:
"Nights are long since you went away
I think about you all through the day
Miss your voice, the touch of your hand
I long to know that you'll understand
My buddy, my buddy
Your buddy misses you."
Exceptional (and very unique) in its own fashion, has there been anything in American popular music quite like "My Buddy" since the war? Any other mainstream song primarily imagined as being sung man-to-man --- other than son to father or vice versa --- that so directly expresses affection?
The feelings (deep and profound romantic friendships) that American men might have had for each other during the Second World War had no widespread precedent for years, not since the culture had begun inducing such anxiety about same-sex genuine affection. Combat, actual or potential, gave to men's wartime relationships a peculiar intensity and tenderness that was no doubt as common in the war as it was rare in civilian life. No wonder that popular singer Kate Smith reported that one of the most requested songs during her many visits to troops overseas was "My Buddy", a sweet and mournful song to an absent love:
"Nights are long since you went away
I think about you all through the day
Miss your voice, the touch of your hand
I long to know that you'll understand
My buddy, my buddy
Your buddy misses you."
Exceptional (and very unique) in its own fashion, has there been anything in American popular music quite like "My Buddy" since the war? Any other mainstream song primarily imagined as being sung man-to-man --- other than son to father or vice versa --- that so directly expresses affection?
Lost World
[This is the second part of John Ibson's American Sexuality Magazine]
While others have relied on traditional historians’ sources, letters and diary entries, to document nineteenth-century comfort with male intimacy (elaborate terms of endearment and unselfconscious physical closeness; for example), my own documentation of the lost world has been with everyday photographs of two or more American men together. With these photographs we can literally see the lost world as it existed, as it later began to disappear, and as it then reappeared with revealing intensity in a particular moment and setting, only to disappear yet again with stark finality.
After systematically reviewing many thousands of images, as well as more conventional sources, I write in Picturing Men that American males, together in pairs and larger groups, once had professional portraits of themselves taken with a revealing frequency, in dramatic contrast to the virtual lack of the practice today. The poses they once commonly struck were even more revealing than the fact that the portrait was taken. With notable nonchalance, they might hold hands, sit on a companion’s lap, share a chair, drape their arms around each other, or perform for the camera what I’ve termed a “pageant of masculinity,” perhaps dressing up as cowboys or striking a frivolous pose that often included a “token of manhood” such as a cigar, liquor bottle, or firearm. Official athletic team portraits were once especially common scenes of closeness among males, with teammates sometimes lying atop each other. When George Eastman’s introduction of roll film in 1888 made it easier for amateurs to take pictures, the earliest snapshots also often showed males, boys and men alike, posing very close together, obviously delighting in one another’s company.
With a distancing and stiffness of pose in team portraits, the first widespread signal of a change, males began slowly but quite surely to move apart in photographs as the twentieth century progressed. If there was to be any more hand-holding, lap-sitting, or chair-sharing, there would usually be an exaggerated facial expression or some other gesture, reassurance to the observer and the observed alike that this was all purely in fun, with no genuine intimacy involved. The contrast between earlier and later poses of men together in photographs is striking, charting an increasing discomfort with closeness to each other’s bodies. The practice of males having their studio portraits taken together, once such a common token of association, was by comparison virtually extinct by the 1930s.
The closeness of old, and even studio portraits of men together, survived, however, even thrived, in the military, particularly in wartime. So common were poses of obviously tender affection between servicemen during the Second World War, and so extensive was men’s participation in that war, that one can speak of no less than a widespread revival during those years of romantic friendships among men.
Some of the wartime photos displayed in Picturing Men may well be of those who discovered other men with same-sex yearnings during the War, a development analyzed well in Allan Berube’s 1990 book, Coming Out under Fire. But the everyday photos that I have studied, unless there is some explicit inscription on an image, cannot document a sexual relationship between the subjects. The presence or absence of intimacy is another matter, and is something to which an everyday photo can sometimes eloquently attest.
Revealingly enough, the ubiquitous intimacy of wartime was conspicuously absent among male civilians in photographs taken during the early postwar years. Even young boys, who, in contrast to older males, had shown more closeness in everyday photos before the War, posed in the 1950s with a formality and lack of closeness that mirrored the poses older males had been striking for decades. The fear of intimacy that would account for the empty theater seat had triumphed, commonly inhibiting the relationships of American males of all ages. Though Picturing Men ends with the 1950s, I believe that the distancing and fear of intimacy that was intensified and became so widespread during those years continues to vex American males in our own time.
The price paid for the fear of men’s intimacy is high –– for all males, not just those who yearn for each other sexually. William Pollack, Jr., in his Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood, and Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson, in their Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys, have been foremost among those contemporary analysts looking at how lonely and emotionally inhibited the world of boys can be. They have shown how an intense fear of being thought gay can lead to various forms of overcompensation with cruel consequences.
For many American men, this overcompensation does not cease with the end of boyhood. Because men’s doings have been given more weight, deviations from the culture’s prescriptions for men are particularly troubling for many Americans, with displays of intimacy between men arousing much more scorn than similar displays among women. For example, with a tiresome, utterly predictable, yet highly revealing frequency, the lead actors in Brokeback Mountain were asked what in the world it was like -- implicitly how they could possibly have endured -- kissing another guy. You’d have thought that Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal had climbed Everest. Culturally speaking, for male leads in a major American film, apparently that’s just what they’d done.
It seems plausible, therefore, to propose that some of today’s opponents of same-sex marriage are more bothered by men marrying than by weddings for women. My argument for a gendered approach to sexual orientation does not imply that lesbians have it better. If this must be made a contest, it might be said that, as women, with their doings trivialized, lesbians actually have it worse. What I am suggesting is that some opposition to “gay marriage” is animated by tremendous discomfort with the love, tenderness, and intimacy between men that their marrying each other implies. Notions of men having furtive sex with multiple male partners with whom they are not in love or lastingly involved might be considerably less disagreeable.
Apparently thanks to the cynical design of Bush partisans, debates over same-sex marriage, usually focused on proposals to ban the practice, have in recent years aroused the Bush political base, sending the president’s supporters to the polls in numbers larger than might have been the case without a “gay marriage” controversy. However, the recent Democratic electoral successes suggest that many voters weren't as distracted by the sexual orientation of their fellow citizens as they had been in 2004. This allowed attention to be turned to more pressing concerns.
It might be well if sexual orientation were less of a distraction –– for us all –– in other aspects of American life beyond politics. We would be a considerably healthier society were we to see sexuality as a matter of much more nuance than a simple gay-straight dichotomy implies. And American men, whoever their sexual partners, would surely have a better time of it if they were able to restore some of that world lost to homophobia. At its heart, history teaches us that little in life is inevitable or immutable, that things surely don’t have to stay the way they currently are. In looking at the quite different way that things once were, Picturing Men reinforces that lesson.
While others have relied on traditional historians’ sources, letters and diary entries, to document nineteenth-century comfort with male intimacy (elaborate terms of endearment and unselfconscious physical closeness; for example), my own documentation of the lost world has been with everyday photographs of two or more American men together. With these photographs we can literally see the lost world as it existed, as it later began to disappear, and as it then reappeared with revealing intensity in a particular moment and setting, only to disappear yet again with stark finality.
After systematically reviewing many thousands of images, as well as more conventional sources, I write in Picturing Men that American males, together in pairs and larger groups, once had professional portraits of themselves taken with a revealing frequency, in dramatic contrast to the virtual lack of the practice today. The poses they once commonly struck were even more revealing than the fact that the portrait was taken. With notable nonchalance, they might hold hands, sit on a companion’s lap, share a chair, drape their arms around each other, or perform for the camera what I’ve termed a “pageant of masculinity,” perhaps dressing up as cowboys or striking a frivolous pose that often included a “token of manhood” such as a cigar, liquor bottle, or firearm. Official athletic team portraits were once especially common scenes of closeness among males, with teammates sometimes lying atop each other. When George Eastman’s introduction of roll film in 1888 made it easier for amateurs to take pictures, the earliest snapshots also often showed males, boys and men alike, posing very close together, obviously delighting in one another’s company.
With a distancing and stiffness of pose in team portraits, the first widespread signal of a change, males began slowly but quite surely to move apart in photographs as the twentieth century progressed. If there was to be any more hand-holding, lap-sitting, or chair-sharing, there would usually be an exaggerated facial expression or some other gesture, reassurance to the observer and the observed alike that this was all purely in fun, with no genuine intimacy involved. The contrast between earlier and later poses of men together in photographs is striking, charting an increasing discomfort with closeness to each other’s bodies. The practice of males having their studio portraits taken together, once such a common token of association, was by comparison virtually extinct by the 1930s.
The closeness of old, and even studio portraits of men together, survived, however, even thrived, in the military, particularly in wartime. So common were poses of obviously tender affection between servicemen during the Second World War, and so extensive was men’s participation in that war, that one can speak of no less than a widespread revival during those years of romantic friendships among men.
Some of the wartime photos displayed in Picturing Men may well be of those who discovered other men with same-sex yearnings during the War, a development analyzed well in Allan Berube’s 1990 book, Coming Out under Fire. But the everyday photos that I have studied, unless there is some explicit inscription on an image, cannot document a sexual relationship between the subjects. The presence or absence of intimacy is another matter, and is something to which an everyday photo can sometimes eloquently attest.
Revealingly enough, the ubiquitous intimacy of wartime was conspicuously absent among male civilians in photographs taken during the early postwar years. Even young boys, who, in contrast to older males, had shown more closeness in everyday photos before the War, posed in the 1950s with a formality and lack of closeness that mirrored the poses older males had been striking for decades. The fear of intimacy that would account for the empty theater seat had triumphed, commonly inhibiting the relationships of American males of all ages. Though Picturing Men ends with the 1950s, I believe that the distancing and fear of intimacy that was intensified and became so widespread during those years continues to vex American males in our own time.
The price paid for the fear of men’s intimacy is high –– for all males, not just those who yearn for each other sexually. William Pollack, Jr., in his Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood, and Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson, in their Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys, have been foremost among those contemporary analysts looking at how lonely and emotionally inhibited the world of boys can be. They have shown how an intense fear of being thought gay can lead to various forms of overcompensation with cruel consequences.
For many American men, this overcompensation does not cease with the end of boyhood. Because men’s doings have been given more weight, deviations from the culture’s prescriptions for men are particularly troubling for many Americans, with displays of intimacy between men arousing much more scorn than similar displays among women. For example, with a tiresome, utterly predictable, yet highly revealing frequency, the lead actors in Brokeback Mountain were asked what in the world it was like -- implicitly how they could possibly have endured -- kissing another guy. You’d have thought that Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal had climbed Everest. Culturally speaking, for male leads in a major American film, apparently that’s just what they’d done.
It seems plausible, therefore, to propose that some of today’s opponents of same-sex marriage are more bothered by men marrying than by weddings for women. My argument for a gendered approach to sexual orientation does not imply that lesbians have it better. If this must be made a contest, it might be said that, as women, with their doings trivialized, lesbians actually have it worse. What I am suggesting is that some opposition to “gay marriage” is animated by tremendous discomfort with the love, tenderness, and intimacy between men that their marrying each other implies. Notions of men having furtive sex with multiple male partners with whom they are not in love or lastingly involved might be considerably less disagreeable.
Apparently thanks to the cynical design of Bush partisans, debates over same-sex marriage, usually focused on proposals to ban the practice, have in recent years aroused the Bush political base, sending the president’s supporters to the polls in numbers larger than might have been the case without a “gay marriage” controversy. However, the recent Democratic electoral successes suggest that many voters weren't as distracted by the sexual orientation of their fellow citizens as they had been in 2004. This allowed attention to be turned to more pressing concerns.
It might be well if sexual orientation were less of a distraction –– for us all –– in other aspects of American life beyond politics. We would be a considerably healthier society were we to see sexuality as a matter of much more nuance than a simple gay-straight dichotomy implies. And American men, whoever their sexual partners, would surely have a better time of it if they were able to restore some of that world lost to homophobia. At its heart, history teaches us that little in life is inevitable or immutable, that things surely don’t have to stay the way they currently are. In looking at the quite different way that things once were, Picturing Men reinforces that lesson.
Romantic Friendships Between Males II
American Men Together In Snapshots
Figure 2. Daguerreotype, cased, 1/6 plate, two men, ca. 1853.
Figure 4. Carte de visite, two men, ca. 1865. Photographer: L. W. Clark, Streator, Illinois.
Figure 7. Cabinet card, two men, one on the other's lap, ca. 1870.
Figure 8. Cabinet card, two young men, one on the other's knee, ca. 1880.
Figure 13. Cabinet card, two men, 1888. Photographer: Winsor, Galesburg, Illinois.
Figure 22. Real photo postcard, studio portrait, two men with arms around each other, ca. 1915.
Figure 24. Real photo postcard, studio portrait, two men, "Two of a Kind," ca. 1920.
Figure 28. Real photo postcard, studio portrait, two men holding hands, ca. 1915.
Figure 30. Real photo postcard, studio portrait, two men with the man in the moon, Spokane, ca. 1915.
Figure 42. Cabinet card, two men, one with cigar, with arms around each other, ca. 1890. Photographer: Zuver, Grand Valley, Pennsylvania.
Figure 107. Snapshot, 2 1/2" X 3 5/8", two men kissing, ca. 1920.
Figure 45. Real photo postcard, studio portrait, two men with cigars, ca. 1915.
Figure 93. Snapshot, 2 1/2" X 4 1/4", on board, 4 1/8" X 5 5/8", two men. Verso: "Camping along the Conestoga. Summer 1919."
Figure 105. Real photo postcard, two young men reclining together by a tree stump, ca. 1925.
Figure 131. Snapshot, trimmed, 3" X 4 5/8", two sailors, ca. 1943.
Figure 2. Daguerreotype, cased, 1/6 plate, two men, ca. 1853.
Figure 4. Carte de visite, two men, ca. 1865. Photographer: L. W. Clark, Streator, Illinois.
Figure 7. Cabinet card, two men, one on the other's lap, ca. 1870.
Figure 8. Cabinet card, two young men, one on the other's knee, ca. 1880.
Figure 13. Cabinet card, two men, 1888. Photographer: Winsor, Galesburg, Illinois.
Figure 22. Real photo postcard, studio portrait, two men with arms around each other, ca. 1915.
Figure 24. Real photo postcard, studio portrait, two men, "Two of a Kind," ca. 1920.
Figure 28. Real photo postcard, studio portrait, two men holding hands, ca. 1915.
Figure 30. Real photo postcard, studio portrait, two men with the man in the moon, Spokane, ca. 1915.
Figure 42. Cabinet card, two men, one with cigar, with arms around each other, ca. 1890. Photographer: Zuver, Grand Valley, Pennsylvania.
Figure 107. Snapshot, 2 1/2" X 3 5/8", two men kissing, ca. 1920.
Figure 45. Real photo postcard, studio portrait, two men with cigars, ca. 1915.
Figure 93. Snapshot, 2 1/2" X 4 1/4", on board, 4 1/8" X 5 5/8", two men. Verso: "Camping along the Conestoga. Summer 1919."
Figure 105. Real photo postcard, two young men reclining together by a tree stump, ca. 1925.
Figure 131. Snapshot, trimmed, 3" X 4 5/8", two sailors, ca. 1943.
Romantic Friendships Between Males I
The Lost Ritual
Figure 64. Real photo postcard, studio portrait, two sailors sharing a chair, 1918. Verso: "April 1918"
Figure 29. Real photo postcard, studio portrait, two men holding hands, ca. 1910. Verso: "I don't know if I sent you one like this or not, but it wont hurt to send you another if I did. Myself and Kent."
Figure 27. Real photo postcard, studio portrait, two men sharing a bench, ca. 1930.
Figure 26. Real photo postcard, studio portrait, two men holding hands, "a couple to draw from," 1908. Verso: Addressed to Mr. C. P. Simmons, Downs, Kansas, postmarked December 23, 1908, Goodman, Missouri. "12/12. Hello Charley. How are you enjoying your self now. Did you have a good time on your visit I will write you a letter after Xmas. and tell you all the news. Wishing you all a merry Xmas. and a Happy new year. As ever Oscar."
Figure 20. Studio portrait, 4"X6", two men, ca. 1930. Photographer: R. D. Jones.
Figure 106. Snapshot, 2 3/4" X 4 3/8", two men sitting on a guard rail, ca. 1925.
Figure 114. Snapshot, 2 3/4" X 4 1/2", two men on a blanket, ca. 1925.
Figure 117. Machine portrait, 1 1/2" X 2 1/8", two young men, ca. 1940.
Figure 121. Real photo postcard, snapshot, two young men in bed, ca. 1915.
Figure 125. Studio portrait, 2 1/4" X 3 5/8", two sailors, ca. 1943.
Figure 126. Studio portrait, 3 3/4" X 5 3/4", two sailors, ca. 1942.
Figure 127. Snapshot, 3 1/4" X 5 1/4", two sailors, "David + John 11/29/42."
Figure 25. Real photo postcard, studio portrait, two men holding hands with heads together, ca. 1915.
Figure 64. Real photo postcard, studio portrait, two sailors sharing a chair, 1918. Verso: "April 1918"
Figure 29. Real photo postcard, studio portrait, two men holding hands, ca. 1910. Verso: "I don't know if I sent you one like this or not, but it wont hurt to send you another if I did. Myself and Kent."
Figure 27. Real photo postcard, studio portrait, two men sharing a bench, ca. 1930.
Figure 26. Real photo postcard, studio portrait, two men holding hands, "a couple to draw from," 1908. Verso: Addressed to Mr. C. P. Simmons, Downs, Kansas, postmarked December 23, 1908, Goodman, Missouri. "12/12. Hello Charley. How are you enjoying your self now. Did you have a good time on your visit I will write you a letter after Xmas. and tell you all the news. Wishing you all a merry Xmas. and a Happy new year. As ever Oscar."
Figure 20. Studio portrait, 4"X6", two men, ca. 1930. Photographer: R. D. Jones.
Figure 106. Snapshot, 2 3/4" X 4 3/8", two men sitting on a guard rail, ca. 1925.
Figure 114. Snapshot, 2 3/4" X 4 1/2", two men on a blanket, ca. 1925.
Figure 117. Machine portrait, 1 1/2" X 2 1/8", two young men, ca. 1940.
Figure 121. Real photo postcard, snapshot, two young men in bed, ca. 1915.
Figure 125. Studio portrait, 2 1/4" X 3 5/8", two sailors, ca. 1943.
Figure 126. Studio portrait, 3 3/4" X 5 3/4", two sailors, ca. 1942.
Figure 127. Snapshot, 3 1/4" X 5 1/4", two sailors, "David + John 11/29/42."
Figure 25. Real photo postcard, studio portrait, two men holding hands with heads together, ca. 1915.
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